Thursday 2/25/2021

9:46 PM

I forgot today was Thursday. Thank god. Short work week. I just spent the last 3 hours frantically trying to download everything off of my old university Google Drive because they re-activated it for 24 hours. Too bad for them because I couldn't get into my actual account on the school site to download my transcripts so they're gonna have to let me back in again.... I'm gonna make them. I'll call again on Monday when I actually have time to do this shit. Note to self: EARLY IN THE MORNING. I actually finally got a hold of someone by calling like right after they open. It's taken me months to reach anyone over there so I'll take my initial 24 hours, I guess.

I'm exhausted and waiting for this enormous video to download... seriously, how can one video be 6GB??????? I have to compress it somehow. It's not even that important of a project, I just don't want to lose the shit I did in school because they deactivated my email, ya know?

In the morning I'll send a couple emails to professors I really loved just to tell them they're great and I'll miss them. Hopefully they'll go through, I dunno. Oh shit, that reminds me, I wanted to fucking download the demo files that they shared with me, too.... Okay I really GTG. Ciao.

Wednesday 2/24/2021

10:29 AM

I'm setting an intention for today: I am relaxed and focused (/motivated). I think the log I did yesterday helped, so I'm going to do it today too! It helps me see what I did, motivates me to do more, and is just a good way to log time (I have ADHD & have a severely warped perception of time... like yesterday, when I put a load of laundry in at 1 PM, it seriously felt like I walked back upstairs & was 2 PM already, I couldn't even remember what I had been doing for the entire hour). Alright, I feel like 10:30 is as good a time as any to start the day, let's get it on!

10:00 AM watched a video about setting intentions & meditated
5 minute meditation on the app I really like, Headspace! I started at the Basics again because it's been a while since I've practiced mindfulness.
11:00 AM switched & folded laundry
i'm losing track of time again hmmmm this might have been done at 11:30?... using the pomodoro method is working out though i think, it's reminding me that i was doing stuff when i lose track of time & the alarm goes off lol
11:30 AM made grocery list & ate breakfast
gonna head out to do the shopping at 2-3ish, breakfast was fried eggs on toast with worcestershire sauce & blueberry juice from Ikea!

I lost track of time & was busy & didn't log. Here's a simple-er list of the things I got done instead:

replied to texts
did more laundry
went grocery shopping (& got a new rug for my bedroom)
made kimbap for dinner (took me an hour but sooo worth it)

I missed therapy 'cause I lost track of time while I was shopping. Whoops. I have to email my therapist... ciao

Tuesday 2/23/2021

11:38 AM

I'm going to try being productive today, and my technique is going to be A) using the pomodoro technique, and B) logging my accomplishments of the day in this entry.
I'm going to the tennis courts with everyone at 3, for a picnic & to do some skating I'm assuming, so I have a few hours to get some stuff done before then.

11:30 AM showered & got dressed
i've kind of had an aversion to showering lately... I know, gross... chalk it up to rough mental state & cold weather, so this was good!! i did skincare too.
1:00 PM put a load of laundry in
did the towels that were sitting in the laundry basket! score!
2:00 PM picked up pizza & J. to go to the tennis courts
pizza was only 9 bucks >:) yay
2:45 - 4:30 PM met up at the tennis court!
i was trying to perfect my walk the dog >> wedgie move but watching actual tutorials now I realize i was doing it wrong... fed a squirrel a piece of pizza that got literally blown away by the wind heheheh
?:?? - ?:?? PM went to ikea & ace hardware
they didn't have what i wanted but i got more elderflower concentrate... went to ace hardware in the middle of nowhere & got a new carabiner for my keys 'cos the other one broke... they also did not have the one i wanted....
8:30 PM got home & put another load of laundry in
finally got home after driving for literally an hour... i thought that ace hardware was closer...
12 AM switched laundry loads, bagged the rest of the laundry
getting tired.... :( feeling quite unmotivated now.... but persisting! put on my essential oil diffuser, a citrus blend that i added more orange to
1 AM sent a couple "business" emails
yay! i hate sending emails, good job me! it was okay to send them so late because they weren't like... super professional business transactions lol

Sunday 2/21/2021

9:20 PM
NSFW entry, please do not read unless you are 18+

Whenever I want to work on my blog but I don't actually want to code, writing a journal entry seems to satisfy that craving. I need my Neocities fix. I literally can't stop telling people about my website, which is funny because I don't want anyone outside of my close friends to be able to actually find it... but anyways, I'm just really proud of it. Today was nice, I spent it on this website mainly, lol, or on Tumblr looking for more images to download for future use. I think something frustrating about Tumblr is that so many people post uncredited art that can be so easily linked back to the artist with a quick Google Reverse Image Search, though, so I try to be mindful of what I'm saving. I am incredibly proud of my new music page. I think the code is better than any of my other pages, because I was mindful of indenting to make each ablum's code distinct from the next, and it was all very straightforward coding. It's simple, but I think it looks so good. Also, I learned more about flexboxes, which is like, my new favorite thing. Something that spaces elements evenly for you?? Yes please.

It's way later now & I'm drunk, lol, or at least kind of. I drank a mixed rum drink, with lots of peach vinegar concentrate which is a great mixer, if not kind of expensive. I also drank a glass of Manischewitz Blackberry Wine so....
Robi and I watched The Bay and it was pretty good, good horror movie that grossed me out & scared me. The ending was dissapointing though, definitely felt like they didn't really know how to end it when they wrote it. I think that's my biggest pet peeve about movies, is when it's good but the ending sucks. I'm trying to keep this buzz going because writing while intoxicated is fun but I can feel the l'acool wearing off. Did you know I took French classes for 5 years? And yes, fuck the French, but I think I got pretty good before I forgot it all in college.

I want to finish reading The Haunting of Hill House and write my fanfiction about Eleanor & Theodora. I started it, but I actually want to make it good. I love their relationship in that book. And I think I want to publish it on here. I was inspired by Briar Ripley Page and their writing, as I've just downloaded Corrupted Vessels and plan to read it fairly soon, as well as, always Fox, if you don't already know they are one of my favorite sites on Neocitites and their library is one of my favorite parts of their page. People who write longform for fun are awesome!!! And I think I have a good idea for a love story, that includes a setting much like AntiChrist (a movie I hate, won't even link to it, as I hate Lars Von Trier, but the setting was very beautiful) as I can imagine the women living out a quiet life together in the woods, and I can imagine Eleanor's anxieties manifesting in the solitude..... GOD, if only I could get past the first few paragraphs! I used to write Angel Beats! fanfiction when I was, what, 13? And reading it back (my account is still up), it actually wasn't that bad! I thrived in English until about sophomore year when I went into an Honors course and it ruined the subject for me, not to mention I had a teacher who did not seem to like me at all. Then I got really into math, although I've always been pretty good at math and proud of it, too, because I know that's a difficult subject. And no offense to anyone who struggles with it, in fact, if you do struggle with it feel free to email me if you need help. My email is on my about page, or it should be now because I need to put it up there right after I finish this entry.

once again repeating that the rest of this entry is NSFW, please only continue if you are 18+.

God, I really just rambled tonight. That felt good, though. I'm drinking another glass of wine and telling this girl I'm talking to that I'm not really drunk. I'm a liar. And I'm horny. And the other person I was pretty interested in who I met off this app didn't text me back I can't find my glass of wine in the dark. I want to fuck, last time I had sex was what, in December?? And this site is (mostly) anonymous, so I can say whatever I want. I miss giving & getting head. I miss makeout sessions, I miss hair pulling, and choking, and hickies... FUCK.... FUCK!! I want to be with someone who thinks I'm cute when I'm needy, when I'm all over them, when I'm straddling them & kissing them & grinding on them... lol this is embarrassing, and I have not been in a relationship in a while, but I've been told by multiple people I give good head. Maybe they're lying. Who cares. The trick is to give extremely sloppy toppy, if you're wondering. Anyways, I'm gonna finish this glass of wine & eat some salt & vinegar chips that taste too much like vinegar & hope I don't vomit. But, uuugh, I can feel my stomach churning already... GOOD. NIGHT. ciao!

Monday 2/15/2021

1:24 PM
currently stuck in my head: Movin' Out by Billy Joel

It is Robi's birthday and I took off work today. Not for his birthday, mind you, but a happy coincidence. There was a huge snow/ice storm yesterday & I actually did go to work then. After telling us we wouldn't get penalized for leaving early after lunch, literally everyone left except for the people who were required to stay, like the supervisors, which fucking sucks and they should have been allowed to leave as well. It was fucking dangerous driving home, let me tell you. I was on the freeway and a car completely spun out in front of me, across the entire freeway, and she was really lucky that I was the only one near her at the time. I slammed on my breaks but it was fucking snowy so I started hydroplaning while she was stopped dead in front of me, but I stopped literally inches away from her. I thought I hit her at first because we were so close, but thank GOD I didn't (my insurance is already really bad because I got into an accident in 2019 & that's all I could think about while I was skidding to a halt lmao), I was only going like 45. We both just sat there for a minute, I think she was really startled (I would be), so I pulled up next to her on the shoulder & we both rolled down our windows & I asked if she was okay (she was). She drove off & I put my warning lights on and crawled at like 30-40 mph to the closest exit & got the fuck off the freeway. Some guy in a red truck almost hit me too because he was going full speed to make a right turn when he did not have enough room next to me to make a right turn (I was in the right fucking lane???? I laid on my horn because what the fuck are you doing dude???) so I had to pull to the left... it was just fucking crazy. I'm saying FUCK A lot because it FUCKing sucked.

AND I can't believe at work they didn't even want us to leave. I texted them once I got home & told them to stay off the freeways 'cause of what happened. Then this morning I texted in & just said I wasn't coming. Neither was my coworker who I talked to last night. I'll go in tomorrow because the roads should be like, plowed & salted & whatnot by then, but this morning I felt the ground on my balcony and the powdery ice (it wasn't snow, more like... tiny hail) that had fallen last night had frozen over into a solid layer, and I was just like, you know I'm not driving an hour plus in that again today. I really don't want to use my sick / vacation time so early in the year, but I'm planning to quit this job soon so I'm trying not to stress about it. I don't want to leave my job only because I like my coworkers, but it's a hard job, especially lately because we've been having so many asshole higher-ups coming in and out & telling us how to do the actual physical labor we're doing for them every day, when really we know firsthand what processes work the best. It's just... exhausting. Did you know the CEO has been coming in with a camera crew to give virtual tours for potential investors and he has not introduced himself to us once? Hasn't even said hello and he's been doing this for two weeks now. I had to find out what his name was by Googling him the other night, lmfao. Like, and the thing is after he does the tours he doesn't even come back in or anything, he just leaves I'm assuming, 'cause him & the camera crew dissapear after like, lunch, hahaha. Anyways, I hate his guts.

I don't mean for this post to be so negative, I'm actually having a good day so far!! Just yesterday and the day before were really bad. Q. is coming over to hang with Robi & I, but we're gonna wear masks obviously & I think she's only gonna come for an hour. I haven't seen her since she moved back to [CITY I LIVE IN]. But also that's only if Robi & I get some work done today, which means I have to start applying to some jobs now. If I finish that within an hour, maybe I can read some too. I took a nap & the sun is out now. I think it's melting the ice. ciao

Monday 2/15/2021

1:24 PM
currently listening to Kikuo Miku 5

God, I feel fantastic. One of my larger bins is piled high with fabric to get rid of right now. I have had 6 bins dedicated to storing fabric in my apartment for.... 6+ months now and I went through them with the organizer this morning. I am really happy about this! I think what I really took away from today is that I don't have to get rid of anything that I still enjoy, like I don't have to punish myself for not using it by throwing it out. And I don't have to punish myself by keeping things I don't like simply because I haven't used them or haven't come up with an idea yet. I've been working on my Miku page all morning too, immediately before and after my organizing session, and having GREAT difficulty, too. I can't figure out how to make my dream figures box stay in the upper left corner. I'm asking for help on Discord but it's frustrating me still! HTML escapes me still, also haha they made fun of me for having all my code on the same level, but I'm teaching myself and it makes sense to me (except for when it doesn't haha). I go and look at people's code on here all the time for reference and most everyone I follow here kind of does the same thing, doesn't indent a lot in their code so I actually didn't even realize that wasn't normal until they pointed it out to me. Whoops.

Okay I got bored and decided to learn Down In The Valley on the guitar so I'm actually gonna end this journal entry here. (BTW found that song via the show The Sinner on Netflix, Season 2. The season isn't that good but seasons 1 & 3 were pretty good! Robi & I watched the whole thing)

Saturday 2/13/2021

5:39 AM

hey long time no write! Yes, the time is documented correctly, I'm taking a minute to write an entry before work even though it might actually make me late (probably not but still). Did you know I get up at 5 AM to go to work? The reason I haven't been on here in a while is because I've been having kind of a bad time (at work mostly), and a really busy schedule lately. I don't remember what I've talked about yet in these entries but I'm working with a professional organizer & it's been going alright! I have some doubts that my mom planted in me, because that happens whenever I bring up decisions I've made for myself, and she says I paid too much but she's also not paying a single dime for these sessions so I'm taking her advice with a grain of salt (as always honestly). Not to be all like ~oh my goood mom you don't understand me and I hate you~ but it's really hard when I feel like she only likes the version of me she can imagine, or that she had a preconceived notion of (if that makes sense), and any time I deviate from that, mind you, very limited and honestly innacurate view of me, it's like I'm killing that little girl she still sees in me, lol. Good riddance, though, 'cause that bitch is almost completely dead (the little girl me, NOT my mom, jesus christ. read that back & it sounded horrible).

Anyways, Robi's birthday is soon!! Also Judge's birthday was a few days ago but I missed it! I texted him a belated HBD & I'm gonna call with him soon. I really want to call K. but he didn't respond to my last texts and I'm worried he's upset that I never respond, which is my constant fear which is definitely why I should reach out in the first place. I think he's back in [CITY I LIVE IN LOL]. He must be for school. I think. Fuck, I totally can't remember my friends' years and whether or not they're graduating (except for the people I went into school with as freshmen). But, that's not exclusive to him so I can't feel too bad. I can't even remember what years like, Robi and J. are in and I talk to them every week. I started picking up J. from work every weekend 'cause it's f*cking cold out there! And also I miss her & we don't really get to see each other otherwise because of work & school & ya know, this fucker COVID. Okay, it's time for me to inhale my breakfast & frantically get dressed & brush my teeth. Oh, speaking of teeth, I need to go to the dentist soon. I have a cavity u can totally see & it's kinda big. I think my wisdom teeth might be coming in soon, too. FUCK! CIAO!

Tuesday 2/2/2021

7:02 PM

I'm taking a quick break from doing the dishes to write a nice journal entry. (Relaxing time!) Yesterday I had a really good day. Actually, this start of the week has been a nice pick-me-up On Sunday there was a ton of snow and it's actually stuck to the ground! A. said she's never seen it snow like this here & it reminded her of upstate NY Robi and I went grocery shopping and honestly the snow didn't stop all day. The roads were kind of dangerous so we drove really slow. We got two types of cheese we had never heard of before, Gjetost and Taleggio. The Taleggio smelled like dirty socks and the rind waas pink and sticky! We literally thought it was rotten so we scooped the soft cheese out of the rind and jarred it. BUT I just saw in this video that that's how it's supposed to be, nooo!! And it was 8 bucks too bad.
Anyways, then yesterday I had my first session with the professional organizer I decided to work with! I scouted people who specifically worked with people who have ADHD, and so far, even based on the very first day, I think it will go well. We got my whole desk clean, which was the area I wanted to tackle first. I'm actually writing at my desk right now, instead of on my bed which is where I would usually be haha, I love it!
OMG, how could I forget this, I started researching going back to school!! My grandma is really happy about it, and that made me really happy because she's like, the only adult in my extended family whose opinion I care about. My mom won't be happy unless I go back to that school, but it's just not happening at this point. I don't want to say what I'm looking at yet... mostly because I don't wanna jinx it. But I've told a few of my friends, including S. who I called and talked to today I hope I didn't insult them when I asked about how they got ratioed on Twitter. IDK LOL. Anyways, I also called Judge on Discord which was really nice! We talked about whatever it was cool. I just got off a large Discord call with some people from the ASL server I'm a part of and I had my first conversation in ASL! That was super exciting and also nerve-wracking, but the person was really understanding when I didn't know some words they were signing. We talked about online classes and community college and moving, haha.
I'm getting distracted and it's late now so I have to wrap this up, but also we made kimbap tonight for dinner & it was rlly good! I have to call S. tomorrow night, and I have to call back my mom too. Okay ok ciao!

Friday 1/29/2021

10:10 PM

I am absolutely exhausted tonight, and I wish I had more to say than just that. The shuttles and the operating system (OS) were down today at work, so there wasn't shit to do for.... soooo.... long.... eventually we all had to go into the pack room (basically a giant refrigerator for packing the food we make) which makes this only the second time I've spent a significant amount of time in there. I don't want to be super negative about the day but L. didn't let us leave early and I was kind of pissed about it because, again, nothing was working anyways, and then when I went into the changing room some people were making fun of this woman on the night shift after us and being super awful. I didn't say anything & I felt bad about it afterwards. Anyways, now I'm in my Care Bear pajamas & thinking about being in love.................. no but seriouslllyyy this astrologer I follow on Twitter said air signs (me, Libra!) are going to meet someone that's just their type soon and by God I hope so.. okay bella ciao

Wednesday 1/27/2021

6:15 PM

Today went okay. I woke up at noon (well, after waking up at 7 AM to almost go to Rite Aid, then realizing we actually did have printer paper for Robi's class then going back to sleep) and I did another load of dishes. I wore my nice striped red dress to run errands, since I can't wear nice stuff on my work days it's nice to dress up whenever I go out. I went to the post office, I got called ma'am, the usual. Today was the first session I had with my therapist's new group. It went good, I think. We talked about that analogy I hate, "hooking/unhooking," but then he presenteda different analogy, "fusing/defusing," that I resonated with better, even if they essentially mean the same thing. Now I have to log ideas I get "fused" to for the next week. I feel like doing this is just making me sort of obsess over every little thing though so I can write it down. Counterintuitive, right? (if i'm using counterintuitive correctly here...) ok short entry cos i'm tired ciaoooo

Wednesday 1/27/2021

some time around 2 AM
currently listening to Zanzibar by Billy Joel

I like lighting the peppermint candle in the kitchen because it smells like someone's baking cookies, and usually I hate baked goods candles so I really like this one. Right now I have my Warm Wool wooden wick one going and I really like the white noise it makes. Plus it smells like warm laundry (hence the name) so it's good for my room. I dunno, different candles have different rooms to me. Like Christmas Wishes (these are all Yankee Candles btw) is a dining room candle, it just is. I drew some T4T boyfriends today and I'm starting to draw little character sheets for them too

Anyways, I did mostly nothing all day again but I will recount the positives. I did a load of dishes, Robi put our towels in the laundry, we watched this terrible, basically softcore porn movie about a haunted frat and it was fucking hilarious. I fell asleep writing this 'cos I stayed up so late drawing... ciao!

Tuesday 1/19/2021

3:51 PM

currently eating: spicy mayo ramen
It's been 10 whole days since I last journaled on here!!! The good news is that I've been busy because I've been hanging out with Robi a lot We're gettin' crossed & watching movies like every night which is fun haha. Then of course work & trying to clean up my apartment is also keeping me busy (work going well, cleaning..... not so well).
I'm eating ~glutinous~ ramen right now (spicy too, oh no... my doctor would kill me) because I MISSED that shit! Gluten-free ramen isn't good, it's all chewy and tastes gross no matter how you try to flavor it (at least the brown rice stuff I got at COSTCO does). But I can feel my stomach is not going to be happy with me after this already! Anyways, if I haven't journaled in 10 days, this also means it's been at least 10 days since I've done the Make Don't Break challenge, which is a little disappointing for me! I was thinking maybe I could do a little run down of the last 10 days and answer the questions anyways. (I'll link it back here when I do). I think I'm going to start a Focusmate session to keep me on track with writing and coding a new about page today. AND drawing pixel sprites for Judge's and my game. That's actually probably my number one priority for today so maybe I should stop writing for a bit and get on that (of course... after I start my about page, lol). ciao baby

Saturday 1/9/2021

8:20 PM

Hmmm... got off work early today which was so nice!! By a couple hours too, usually this is about the time I'm getting home / I've just gotten home so I feel good right now, relaxing, listening to ONRAC and thinking about the records collection page I want to do on here. It has some pretty complicated coding stuff (at least for me) in it so right now it's just a nice thought but.
Mm, this entry ended up being really short because I got distracted & spent the night watching YouTube... also Robi comes home tomorrow! ciao

Tuesday 1/5/2021

10:19 PM

Gotta go to bed ASAP, I work tomorrow & lied last night about going to bed early. I ended up staying up until 5:22 AM (I remembered exactly the time I decided to call it a night) and put on MAGDALENE by FKA twigs to fall asleep. Today for Make Don't Break, I decided to do something quick and fun because I actually got around to doing dishes, cleaning my bathroom sink and doing a load of laundry (even though I also took a nap). Robi comes home in only a couple of days and I don't feel like the apartment is better than when he left honestly, which makes me feel bad, but I feel slightly better knowing that I'm actively seeking help for that. Anyways, what I did was like, an old handwriting tag because I was thinking about how I really like my handwriting and how I feel like I've slowly curated it into its own "style." I know that everyone has a different handwriting style obviously but ever since 6th grade I've been purposefully testing & trying out different types of handwriting, kind of like developing an art style. Anyways, it makes me happy

(I think I might make a page on this site dedicated to The Orange because it's my favorite poem and very beautiful and makes me cry) The prompt for today is: "Where do you live under the influence?"

I feel like this is a wonderful question. I think I live under the influence of other people a lot. I care a lot about everyone's opinions of me, even complete strangers. I feel like with my family it's the worst. I'm very sick of living my life to their standards, and I feel like I am finally breaking out of that. I am not the person that everyone thinks I am or wants me to be and I'm not going to allow myself to let people love their own idea of me, or what I "should have" become. That's so fucking unfair to myself. I'm not even close to a lot of my family, like they literally don't know a thing about me really, so why the fuck should I care about what they think about how I'm living my fucking life? It's not like I'm asking them for money or anything, I'm not even bothering them.
I also think I live under the influence of sadness and shame/guilt. It makes me isolate myself because I feel unlovable and like I've done too many "bad" things (just things that I ruminate over in general) to make me worthy of having friends & being in community with others. I feel mean. I feel like I'm not a very good friend, and it's hard to tell yourself you're not, and also hard to ask people to reassure you that you're not because then you feel manipulative and like you're bad again. Woof, that's a little heavy but it's true. There are 4 more questions to this prompt that you can answer at the end of the day to help combat making decidions and choices when you're "under the influence.":

  • Where did I respond or act while under the influence of something outside of myself?

  • Am I often under the influence of this thing?

  • How can I attempt to respond, or avoid responding, while under the influence in the future?

  • What does it feel like to be under the influence of this specifically?

But! Since I didn't do a lot today, I don't really feel like I was under the influence of... anything. Except for maybe the guilt of taking a nap instead of getting stuff done. I think I reacted well, though. Instead of laying around feeling sorry for myself I actually did get up and take initiative. I'm proud of myself for that.
Wow also I just watched the cellophane music video & that robot scared me but also it was cool. see u ciao

Monday 1/4/2021

10:43 PM

currently listening to: Skeleton Tree by Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds
Tired... gonna go to bed much earlier than I did last night! Didn't complete chores again today. Kind of frustrated with myself. I had 3 appointments today and it was kind of like by the time I started up with doing dishes, laundry, etc., it was time for the next one. Skipping today's prompt because it's about self-care, but not in the "treat yourself" way, in the hard, true self reflection way. And I know half of my answer to the question:

"How will you honor your self-care and 'make' it a priority?"

As in, I know what that self-care to look like but I don't know how I'm going to make it a priority. I think it starts with being vulnerable. Being honest. Being more open. But I feel like I get in the way of myself. So maybe how I should start making it a priority is fixing that first. I think I still need to look for a new therapist. I've been with J. for almost a year now so I feel guilty for "firing" him, but I've felt this way for a while. Hmm... so maybe it starts there. Being honest. In Jenille Ramos' Instagram post (the person who created the prompt for today) she said that your answer will probably be what seems the hardest.

Sunday 1/3/2021

1:52 AM

Potentially long post ahead...I'm up late just like I was last night except I didn't do anything creative yesterday. Except, since there are no rules to Make Don't Break, I don't feel bad about it. I did the prompt, meditation, and read the article they sent us, and then watched some videos on transformative justice. Here's the channel I was watching those on. Oh wait, speaking of the prompt, it was:

"Instead of a to-do list, or even a to-make list, what is your to-feel list for today?"

And I was thinking about this while I was at work 'cause I saw the email in the morning. My immediate answer was "relief." I want(ed) to feel relief. The 2nd day of January was not better than the 1st, so I think after I found that my immediate response was a pretty good / important one, I actively sought out relief. I cried on the phone again with someone qualified because I didn't feel comfortable just heavily venting out of the blue to any of my friends or my sister again. I drove a lot again (but just my regular commute this time-- that in and of itself is a lot of driving for me). I wish I had more cheerful things to say so I apologize to anyone reading, this is just me kind of keeping track of my mood right now. I'm just in a rough spot.
Anyways, the prompt for today (or, I guess, yesterday now) is actually 3 questions.

1. Reflect on your relationship with the various habits in your life. Are you someone who needs the structure they provide, or do you find them constraining?

I think... both / it depends on what habit. I think that habits such as going to work (if you consider that a habit, which I do when considering the motions of getting up, getting ready, making myself food, etc) are necessary for keeping structure in my life. But when it comes to habits that I don't deem necessary, such as.... for example, journaling! haha, I eventually start to view them more as chores and I don't want to keep the habit. I think this is also because I'll create too many rules or expectations for myself surrounding new habits, and maybe that is actually the reason I eventually see "unneccessary" habits as constraining.

2. What are some of your habits? What impact do they have on your day-to-day life? Why do you have them?

One of my habits is making tea (nearly) every morning. 3. If you could instantly have any daily habit, what would it be?

Friday 1/1/2021

10:47 PM

There's so much reflection I could do right now but I only have about 10 minutes until I really have to go to bed. The first of the year did not go so well for me, but that's okay. There is a hopefulness to the new year but also fear of the unknown. I entered the year with loved ones and joy, but the day just brought a lot of little things that made today very overwhelming. I cried on the phone with my sister, I drove a lot, I drove a lot, and I'm okay. The hopefulness is still there. It's not really about whether 2021 itself will be good, it's more about promising to make it better. And I'm still trying!!! There are two parts of my brain, I feel like one is really hurting still and the other is carefully holding the hurting part. I'm trying really hard to love myself and I know I'm trying hard and that's good. And I'm hoping, hoping, hoping that I can heal that hurt and re-discover the lighter person inside of me that I know is there. Sorry to wax poetic, ew, but that's what's going on if you're trying to find out. It's not all bad though!!!! I am participating in the Make Don't Break Challenge, and this website is actually the ~medium~ I'm starting with. So, I made my New Year's Resolutions page!! Since there aren't any rules to the challenge, I didn't do a lot, but I got it down which felt awesome. That's the question for today:

What delights you?

And I think what delights me is completing projects. That sounds like a no-brainer, but when I was thinking about it, I was like, what is the most satisfying part of creating for me? And yes, I love the process, but I am always SO fucking proud when I have a completed project in front of me. To show it off? I was thinking maybe that's why, but I don't think so. I think it's just.... like, I fucking did that. Just for me type thing. Just proud to have done it. And showing it off is an added bonus too, haha.
Well, next I think I'm going to work on this page a little bit. I want to make an index to separate things by month and I also want to change this layout since I ripped it off someone else and I don't really like it so much anymore. I'll keep an archive though (probably...). Thanks for listening, thanks for reading, ciao <3
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