Thursday 11/10/2022

10:39 PM

I've started therapy again!! I really like my therapist so far, though we've only had a couple sessions. She feels like someone I would really want to be friends with / someone I would look up to if I knew her IRL. Kind of like A in a way. Speaking of, I desperately need to text A back. I wish my fear of losing a friend was stronger than my fear of texting back... well. It is! I don't text back because I fear rejection, but then not responding fulfills that sort of distance & rejection on its own. Does that make sense? Anyways... I do feel like I might be picking things apart about my therapist to have problems with but I don't know why. Maybe because I'm nervous that it won't work out?? Yeah. IDK. Something to bring up I guess.
The other exciting things are that I'm taking ASL classes and I'm working with a professional organizer again!! Classes were sliding scale and relatively cheap, plus all the teachers are queer and Deaf. It's very exciting. Next weekend I'm meeting up with people from the same program in my city and we'll eat, chat, etc. I do want to attend more Deaf/ASL events though, although they are kinda hard to find here... at least in the city. And I don't have a car. But! One of the people I'm gonna meet next weekend does have a car and told us we should all go together! I'm excited to make new friends here, too.
As for organizing, that is FREE.99!!!! I posted a photo of my room (which is super gnarly and barely unpacked after moving) to a Facebook ADHD support group for adults, and I got an overwhelming number of comments that were all very supportive. Then someone (the organizer) commented that she's new to doing virtual organizing sessions and I could have free help if I be her guinea pig. So far, it's going good! I need to buy some storage things for our next session but that's a me thing, not her. She seems really understanding and also there's no time limit on our sessions??? My last organizer was a lot of money, and we only had hour long sessions. But yeah. Good things going on!!!

Eerily similar date & time as my last journal entry here. I'm feeling.... weird. There could be many reasons for this. I need to shower, I need to eat (I am currently, eating rice, egg tofu, kimchi, and roasted seaweed. probably going to make myself a cup of tea, too). I haven't been getting a lot of sleep lately because I've been staying up to paint and watch Netflix. Getting back into painting feels good but I feel ragged after a few days of sleeping at strange hours, not getting out of bed until the afternoon. I started reading The Push by Ashley Audrain, a thrilling & captivating book that is also very dark. I internalize dark media a lot, in a negative way. It affects me really hard. It's why I can't watch Euphoria, or listen to true crime, and why I'm so tired of modern horror/thriller movies relying really heavily on gore. The rice I reheated is terrible. It's because one of my roommates didn't use the right water to rice ratio, I can tell. Plus, they asked me before they made it how much water to put, haha. I've gotten it down really well. 1-to-1 ratio, but add like, a quarter cup more. Then when you reheat it, add like a tablespoon of water to the bowl so the steam makes it all fluffy again, not weird and kernel-y. Speaking of kernels, I've been obsessed with microwave kettle corn lately. It's cos one of my babysitting families eats it a lot. And it's really good, lol. It also feels like, healthier than popcorn cos it's not as salty. idk haha.

The Push is not the only media I am consuming right now. I would say that I am consuming quite a lot of media currently, not including being on my phone all the time. The problem has slightly improved since my last entry, I think, but only marginally. I'm averaging 5-7 on my phone daily, plus whatever time I spend on my laptop as well. It's kind of rough because sometimes I justify it by being like, well as long as I'm not on social media on my phone, the screen time doesn't count because... well, it's not being counted! Buh. But yeah, I'm in the middle of quite a few books.

Half of these are, arguably, thematically difficult. Which may be affecting my mental health overall. Not to mention I also just finished watching the 3rd season of Love is Blind and I'm now finishing The Watcher, also a psychological thriller that I can see becoming more violent as it progresses (I'm only on episode 3). Pffff (thtat's me heavy sighing & pushing all the air out of my lips). This is definitely good material for therapy next week! Okay. I am going to go back to the beginning of this journal entry now and start with the GOOD things right now.

Okay did that, definitely good things going on too. I guess it's been tough this week because I feel really depressed even though I'm not PMSing. And I just had my period, so I was looking forward to not feeling like that but it feels like I'm back in the same mood. Buh. Okay, I'm gonna watch this episode of The Watcher, eat my kimchi & egg tofu (maybe skip the rice this time) and take a shower. I'll feel better. AND my Comfy is nice and clean in the dryer when I'm done! woot woot
Alright, goodnight, felt good getting everything off my chest which is exactly why I have this journal. Ciaoooo

Sunday 10/09/2022

11:40 PM
CW: talking about death-themed OCD

Wait I just realized how crazy it is that I've only written 4 blog entries this year, wtf! Anyways, I need to get off of social media. I think for good. I am so tired of knowing everything that goes on in a million strangers lives every single day. There is a lot of good that comes from it, like learning recipes and art inspiration and connecting with my friends but I cannot take the negative anymore. It's feeding into my death themed OCD, also. Every time I see a picture of anyone I think the caption is going to say that they died. Which is a lot when you're scrolling through Instagram & your heart keeps dropping because literally every post you think for a second that someone died. This is a weird theme for me, I've never had it before. I've also been really obsessed with worry over death happening in my life. I really need to see a therapist lol!!!!! I am currently extremely sick, like with a cold. I'm almost positive I don't have COVID 'cause I've tested negative multiple times but only on rapid tests so I'm going to ask C if she could drive me to get a PCR done before I see my mom & sister this weekend. But my symptoms are coming in waves which I've read happens with COVID (I haven't had it yet- 3 years going strong, knock on wood)-- On Wednesday I had a lil tickle in my throat, Thursday terrible sore throat, Friday throat still sore, slight cough but feeling better, Saturday felt almost completely better, today I am MUCH WORSE. No sore throat thank god but now I have a deep, gutteral cough and my nose has been running so much all day that if I don't keep it literally plugged with tissues it will run & snot will drip off the tip of my nose. Some crazy shit. I'm about to take 2 Nyquil & call it a day. I wanted to watch a movie today but the health benefits of getting a good night's sleep are too good to pass up. I finally put my closet bar in because we got a hold of a drill!! Now I can start really putting my room together, another huge relief.
I've been travelling a lot lately, doing real adult life shit and am basically between [old city] and [new city]. Pretty funny. I wonder if I'm spending more on bus tickets than I would on gas. I don't know. With all the parking tickets I would get, though, and the car maintenance, I really don't think transportation is costing me more. Especially mentally. With a car, it was just some other shit I had to worry about all the time in the back of my mind. With a bus, I just gotta know when to show up and pack my bags accordingly. Of course, that does mean that I can't just leave whenever I want, but in the in between when I'm not travelling to and fro (which, I'm hoping after this trip things start to settle down, although.... the holidays are coming up! oof) I don't have to keep worrying about the bus like I would a car, lol. Does that make sense? idk, sick brain, remember? Oof, my cough really takes it out of me. I think that's my cue to drink some water, take Nyquil, and hit the hay. I just took my temperature and I'm normal, soooo... idk. I don't really like taking 2 Nyquils at a time but the symptoms have gotten pretty bad, bleh.
Oh, I started the book Bird by Bird by Anne Lamott today and I really like it so far. It already feels inspiring, to get back into stuff that I'm passionate about like art and writing and... maybe even... coding?? I have lots of ideas for this site, like a whole revamp actually, that I'd love to do. I do reminisce (hard word to spell) on 2021 when I worked in a warehouse and just came home and coded all the time. BUT I hated that job and felt terrible there and I'm glad I left. I guess since I'm super unemployed and very like, blowing in the wind, going with the flow right now (but in a kinda stressful, no money way) I'm missing that structure. I need structure back! I would love a 9-5 that's 4 days a week like the warehouse. Same weekly schedule, shorter days. Oh man, I would kill for that! I forget who told me recently that they knew someone whose job was thinking about going 4 days a week. Maybe it was JC? No, he doesn't get paid enough for that... idk. Okay, forreal going to bed now. Super tired!!!!! Ciao <3

Monday 9/19/2022

10:37 PM

Wake up. We are supposed to go to the beach but no one is texting Josh back. I make a bacon, egg, lettuce, tomato sandwich (heavy on the bacon) & wait. I promise to stay off my phone until I finish breakfast. I do not. C wakes up on her period & no one wants to go to the beach anymore. Josh and I joke about forming a suicide pact. I feel guilty. I put a second coat of spackle on the hole in my closet. I am listening to a TikTok (which I have redownloaded again, initially only to search for something) while doing so. I spend all day on my phone (again). I find some old songs from 2 years ago that I wrote about K, they're pretty good. I move the console table next to my bed, all by myself. I am listening to a podcast about ADHD that I keep pausing to scroll through Instagram. I feel guilty. I make rice balls and eat them wrapped in nori sheets. There is some unspoken tension between B and I for no reason, really. I finally respond to an email and pray I still have a gig lined up for October. I call the DP of a theater for the 2nd time and pray he gets back to me. It gets dark at 7:30, which feels early, but it's late September already. I move my lamp. I hang my coats. I don't see anyone all day. I wait for Josh to come home. I wait for C to come home. I make cauliflower lettuce wraps. I cannot believe how good they taste. I hope no one gets mad at me for putting one of our only bowls in the fridge (when I could have used tupperware). I take a box of hangers down to the basement. I hit my head on Josh's door. I wallow. I turn my phone off. I turn it back on. I go on my computer instead. I need to call my mom. I need to call my brother. I need to call my sister. I need to buy 2 shelves, a bra, bus tickets, and pay rent. Instead I buy some fancy cheese that I can pick up tomorrow (which is much less daunting at only $7). I read a substack entry and feel inspired. I remember all of my unfinished notebooks. I remember this blog (much less daunting). I am much too wordy for this writing format. I wonder how I could rewire my brain. I wonder if this is just another manifestation of my tendency to make lists. I accidentally click on my list I made last year: "Things 2 Be Happy Abt." There are only 2 things on it:

  1. Steam coming off a rice cooker when you open the lid
  2. Birds taking dirt baths

(cont'd....) I try a filter on TikTok that makes me want to dye my hair red again. I try to remember every thought I had today. I move a box of art supplies. I decide not to put it downstairs. I don't move it back. I find out that the photographer I've been looking for is named Lars Turnbjörk. I find out he died in 2015. I think about my photo series idea and wonder what that other photographer's name is. I go downstairs but don't remember what I needed. I remember and feel slightly proud of myself. I write A that postcard I promised to send her. I buy a one-way bus ticket because I am not sure when I should come home. Tomorrow I will let my friends know I need a place to sleep. I count how many people I think would let me crash if I stayed until October 1st. A distant train sounds its horn for a very long time. I wonder if it is alerting a car, accidentally on the tracks. I decide this is normal. I pathologize every waking thought I have. I think about emailing my high school art teacher. I have been thinking about emailing her for years. I feel guilty again. I decide that journaling is not making me feel better.

Saturday 5/21/2022

6:51 PM

I've spent the weekend on my computer / phone, something I hate to do & which hurts my eyes, but I've had to quarantine due to COVID exposure at work. My coworker's been driving me home & we were maskless once this week (I was eating a sandwich), and it turns out she was positive :( I had to miss a lot of stuff I was looking forward to today!!!!! And I'm really upset about it!!!! But maybe that's just the universe telling me to take a break for a weekend, I've been making so many plans on the weekends lately and my home's cleanliness is suffering because of it. Well, now that I'm home, I'm still not making a lot of progress but.... It's because it's really overwhelming! And our apartment is SO hot right now. I finally broke down & turned on the AC because it was literally 93 degrees in here, even with the windows open & box fans running. And it's making me tired & cranky & sticky & feeling worse than I already do. I think I feel gnarly also because I got my COVID booster on Tuesday. I've just been so exhausted & sleeping a lot. It's all catching up to me!!! Ah, a true ramble. Anyways, I got that cute car dress from Depop delivered today, and I think I'm gonna message the seller asking for a refund. They edited the picture to be SUPER saturated and when I got the dress it's actually really faded!! And there are holes in the straps when they said there were no notable damages! It was just way too expensive to justify, and I thought the material was going to be silk because it looked like a slip but it's actually really stiff... AND the boob part is actually like, shaped like cups and it makes me feel dysphoric. I think it's just a ton of buyer's regret for this really expensive dress, but..... I still don't think it was worth it if it didn't come like I imagined it would. :/ So I have to message them either tonight or tomorrow. I feel kind of bad messaging someone like this because I've never done it before. AND I already messaged them when I didn't get the tracking number to ask for it, I just don't want to be a problem for them but like, they're the one editing their pictures so....

I'm gonna start Serial Experiments Lain again today. I don't know if I'll like it because I've read from a lot of people that it's "supposed to be confusing," and I don't really like stuff that's supposed to be confusing. I tried watching it one other time & don't remember why I stopped, maybe I got bored? Anyways, since that's the case, I'm gonna watch the dub... that's what I did with Madoka Magica, too. If it can't keep my attention subbed, then I gotta watch it dubbed & draw while watching it. Also, it's pretty aesthetically cool so I think I'll have lots to draw. I drew a really cool spread when I watched Madoka Magica, I think I was also high so that probably helped LOL. I also want to start reading Infinite Jest again, and I KNOW I KNOW "You're reading Infinite Jest? LOL" you might say, well yes. I am. I think it's a good book and it's funny. Even though I think David Foster Wallace once said it wasn't supposed to be funny, well it is. I just need to get off the computer basically, so.... I'm gonna time-block out the rest of my day.

It's 7:05 now, so for the next hour I think I'll put on an episode of Flow State which is a great podcast for me that really helps me clean. It just puts on like, well, take it from the description: "minimal, instrumental, electronic music - the soundtrack to your work" for half an hour, then gives you a 5 minute break where the host talks about whatever, then does another half hour. I like it better than Clean With Me now, I think because the host changed on Clean With Me so it's not the same anymore for me. Okay, so that's what I'll do for an hour. I'll probably end at 8:30 (giving myself another 20 minutes to finish this journal entry) then I could watch the first episode of Serial Experiments Lain and draw. Maybe smoke a lil? And I'd like to do one more Flow State episode, but only half of it... that'll bring me to 10PM, maybe a lil later? After that I want to be done with screens for the night, so I can read Infinite Jest. Hmmm... that's not really making room for me to eat dinner. Well, right now, since I still have 15 minutes 'til 7:30, maybe I can cut that cantaloupe in the fridge. Need to do that anyways before it goes bad. Okay, gotta run, maybe I'll update later with how I did but I'll proably forget. Ciao!

UPDATE @11:33PM... I'm such an idealist, lol. Here's what I did, I cut that cantaloupe, started a load of dishes in the water, and sorted about half my clothes. Spent the rest of the time on my phone, goddamit! (I'm not actually mad at myself, just like, generally upset) oh my god, I literally got distracted writing this & it is now 11:47. I'm about to fold the towels I washed earlier & then I'm gonna put away the laundry I did yesterday, too. Oh, I also prepped zucchini, cabbage, garlic & onions, & defrosted green beans to cook all that together tomorrow. I just finished the last bit of zucchini & collards I made this week, last week? and they were sooo good so I'm excited to make that again. I guess my goal tomorrow is to actually work instead of getting on my phone / computer immediately when I wake up. Okay, see ya forreal this time, ciao!

Saturday 5/14/2022

1:04 AM

my roommate's cat is annoying the FUCK out of me. fuck OFF.
anyways, here's a non-exhaustive list of all the super non-binary names i've wanted to change my name to in the past few years.

  • Jonah
  • JJ
  • Holiday
  • Hollis
  • Friday
  • Memphis
  • Sarai
  • Sorrel (lol)
  • Seven

Thursday 5/12/2022

9:10 PM

a Train of Thought for uuuuu to peruuuuuse... artistic inspiration hitting hard tonite, here's some things i like to look at & think abt:

  1. Spiral Theory Test Kitchen
  2. Structure of a chicken's egg (ovum. albumen. scientific names of food.)
  3. Joseph Cornell
  4. The Pink Palace by Joseph Cornell (can u guess which movie was inspired by this piece?)
  5. L'Egypte de Mlle by Joseph Cornell, aka my favorite sculpture he ever did, and according to this site it's in the Smithsonian American Art Museum collection & the full name is L'Egypte de Mlle Cleo de Merode cours elementaire d'Histoire Naturelle. Pictures of what's inside the bottles are scattered somewhere on the Royal Academy of Arts website & I can't for the life of me find them. They're on pinterest though.
  6. In My Room by Adrienne Salinger
  7. So Long Suburbia (2016) dir. Samuel Shanahoy
  8. this interview with Ryan Trecartin, & his movies in general (i don't think he's been criticized enough for what i perceive as blackface in his early work, just to warn anyone searching his films up)
  9. Pandeson Heights (2019) dir. Ryan Trecartin (and Lizzie Fitch, not sure if she did this video but this was a collaboration between them for their exhibition Whether Line)
  10. La Casa Lobo (2020) dir. Cristobal León and Joaquín Cociña
  11. 17 Iconic Fashion Moments in Science Fiction and Fantasy aka a movie watchlist
  12. Jean Paul Gaultier in Film aka another watchlist
  13. these 1 2 3 4 5 6 articles about cultural appropriation in fashion, science fiction, and science fiction fashion. i haven't read these yet, so i don't know if they're any good. this is a TBR for myself because i'm currently designing science fiction-based fashion

oh my god, i just spend the past like, 3 hours researching and writing this blog & coding this page because this is my first entry of 2022! new year, new blog page. i need to eat dinner. my friends went out to an arcade & i chose to stay home to do this. well, to be fair, they said they didn't think they were going to spend money, they just wanted to walk around. who goes to an arcade just to walk around? :P

take me back