I'm always journaling after 1AM....
I'm feeling soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo sad & sorry for myself........... Maybe I'm PMSing, maybe it's my new birth control, maybe it's my breakup. YEAAAHHH, Fran dumped me on Tuesday. I feel so shitty about it. It's hard to admit that I think I started to rely a lot emotionally on that relationship & the friendships I made with Fran's friends. It was feeling really good, especially cos I'm not very happy in my apartment & it was nice to have another, much warmer, house that I was always welcome at when I didn't want to be here. Now I know I probably won't be able to spend the night anymore (unless I sleep on the couch which I really don't want to), and that really sucks.
The breakup was extremely amicable & honestly the right thing for both of us (I was thinking we should maybe break up soon anyways) but I think I still reserve the right to be totally sad about it for like a month. And then we can be normal friends again. But right now we're not really talking... it's only been a few days, whatever, I'll see her at a show on Sunday. It's not like we were really talking before the breakup anyways. In fact, that's kinda why we broke up LOL. I removed her from Find My Friends because I have a terrible history of keeping tabs on my exes via social media & I need to know the least amount of information about her life as possible while I get over being sad. Plus I think she's going to the bar where we met tonite with her friends (B posted abt it on their story) & I don't want to be mad that I wasn't invited. Which like, duh, ex-boyfriend. I need to make an appointment to get my gel nails removed now, which have her name on them lol (Valentine's Day surprise).
I'm just saaaad.... sad sad sad sad sad.. I feel like it's been a fucking second since I just laid in bed all day & repeated "I'm sad! I'm sad! I'm sad!" to myself in my head. That's how you know it's bad, real depression hours. Tomorrow I'm getting my hair cut short again & I'm scared I won't like it... idk. I've been vibing with wearing feminine clothes & I like my long hair but it's been driving me crazy. There are confusing gender aspects to this. I don't like wearing feminine clothes when I have short hair. I like to be very hair-gender-conforming. Well, I feel great wearing masc clothes with long hair though. Why can't it be the other way around too? I always feel like I look like a mom when I have short hair & I wear dresses or whatever. Maybe I'm just being crazy. Maybe I'll feel differently this time around. I'm getting it cut differently than the last time I had it short. GOODBYE MIDDLE PART!!!!!!!!! get that shit out of here. I want to be able to brush it all forward & tussle it a lil & walk out the front door. I think I'm also going a little crazy this week & so I'm nervous that I'm just cutting my hair cos I feel sad (honestly, I need to stop associating cutting my long hair with bad mental health periods of my life but.... I often do cut my hair when I'm not doing well). BUT I was thinking about cutting my hair before we broke up anyways. And then another secret horrible part of me knows that at least a little part of me wants to cut my hair just for the reactions of Fran & JB when they see me on Sunday cos they Both think I'm gonna look hot with short hair. And I hope I fucking do or I'll just die of embarrassment. Anyways, after my haircut tomorrow I'm getting ice cream with D & then I'll go to work. I made good tips tonight for a slow night since we had a 7-top come in & I was serving them alone. This new person T was backserving with me. She's a 45 y/o mom & I think she's cool. We bonded over our other coworker being an asshole to both of us. He was REALLY an asshole to her, on her first day nonetheless. Anyways, he didn't come in tonight & maybe he won't tomorrow either, maybe he will. Not sure. Really hope I don't have to do 50 covers as the only server tomorrow. Never done that before. Kind of scary.
Guess I'm doing some scary stuff tomorrow. It'll be alright. I need to bring cash to my hair appointment tomorrow. Oh my gosh, I hope it looks good. WISH ME LUCK AHHHH
Ciao
Actually kind of hilarious that I ended that last entry by saying "kind of an ADHD moment" then I never finished it. I really do want to go back & finish that entry though because that weekend was so nice & I want to document it. It's on my to-do list...
Working at a fancy BYOB is so funny. I'm sitting here eating cold escargot in a mustard sauce on some bread & chicken tenders from a to-go container, drinking a nice Sauvignon Blanc that someone left at ** straight from the bottle. Escargot isn't really my thing but it's not bad either.... would probably prefer it in a garlic butter or like, idk, just give me some more "normal" shellfish like a mussel. What I'm saying is right now I prefer the chicken tenders from a bag that K&M threw in the fryer LOL. My nails are bugging me so much. I got them done as a Valentine's Day present for Fran (they say her name on them) but didn't realize how much a thin layer of structured gel would impact how my nails feel when I'm picking shit up or typing. I do not like it! But the nails are super cute. JB (too many bitches with J names in my life... so she's JB) looked at them and said "it's like you're her property" with a big smile. I said "yeah, I looked at them and was like, she kind of owns me..." lol. I still have a really big crush on JB unfortunately. Fran knew about it months ago but didn't like me talking about thinking her roommates were hot (this was literally like when we first met each other so hopefully I wasn't being a huge asshole, like I don't even think we were actually dating yet when I was saying all that) so I stopped for good but the feelings are still looming large over me. And it doesn't help that she released an album that I love a couple days ago so I'm literally just singing her songs to myself all day long. Whatever. I'm just trying to be chill & friends. Last night I picked up Fran from a bar down south (lol having to change the way I talk about where I live to remain anon is so funny) and took her to this other bar to pick up her bag where she left it last week, haha. She was drunk and cute <333333. But! This week an ex-friend of hers died & since she found out I think she's been dealing with it not great, i.e. getting drunk. Not ALL the time but she expresses the desire to often & has been acting on it for a few nights. I just hope she gives herself room to actually feel emotions on her own. I think that's something else she might be struggling with? Being alone? Processing by herself? IDK. Speculation, albeit well-informed speculation. Also, this journal entry CONFIRMS that she will never have access to this site haha. I feel like she would def be upset if she saw me airing out her dirty laundry on a semi-public forum.
ANYWAYS, I picked Fran up & we went back to her place where I tried to work on my artist bio for S.S. (it's a performance I'm costuming, why the fuck did the nazis have to use SS & ruin that shit for all of us with alliterative titles) but I just had a really hard time. We tried using Chat GPT but I didn't like it at all, it didn't understand what I was aiming for so sweet Frannie (she hates Frannie, I love it, I never actually call her that but I'm not going to write her full name on Neocities) acted as my own personal Chat GPT & started typing me a bio. Then JB and N came home from that same bar (they drove Fran's car home) & I went downstairs to fill Fran's water bottle for her & said hi to JB. She told me "I'm so glad that you're in my life!" and I was like omg same... my friend JB! Obviously that lit me up like a Christmas tree but I am sooo so awkward around her cos I'm, ironically, always trying to act normal. Anyways it was really sweet. She was eating Reese's Puffs cereal. We agreed to make breakfast together in the morning. Then I edited the bio that Fran GPT wrote & read it to her probably 100 times fixing this and that. I tried to make it funny but sometimes failed so we cut some of it. It doesn't have to be super serious I don't think. Then I had to write ANOTHER thing on the theme of S.S. which was fine but annoying. Then I sent all that shit to M. They had asked me for it earlier in the day so I could not put it off for any longer. Fran fell asleep while I was writing my blurb so after that was finished I went downstairs to watch The Sopranos with N until 4am. That was fun as fuck, I def need to watch The Sopranos after I'm tired of Desperate Housewives. I can never tell if I annoy N or what but I think it's fine, she's just quiet in general. I like her and I think she likes that I like Portal 2. So, we're basically best friends. Obviously.
Then, once it was too late to justify any more Tony Soprano over a good night's sleep, we packed it up & I spooned Fran & kissed her shoulder blades until I fell asleep. <3 It was snowing : )
This morning JB made bacon, Fran made me eggs to which I added kimchi, B came home from [state where their grandparents live] (:D!!!), and we all drank orange juice out of the same glass cup. R was also staying over (with N? they have a thing it kind of looks like??) which was cool cos I actually got to talk to her & she's really sweet. Why is every tgirl in [city] so gorgeous & nice???? Anyways, I had invited Q on a walk to the creek but then it rained so the snow wasn't really the same, and I realized I had only brought my crocs & worn pajamas to Fran's house so I just asked if she wanted to come over. That was fun : ) JB & I made a salad with a bag of veggies some org was handing out on a corner on the Avenue while I was driving to pick up Q. They had big signs that said FREE FOOD so I shrugged at them at the red light I was stopped at & rolled down my windows haha. Anyways, that was cool! It wasn't terrible, it was just a very normal salad (romaine, iceberg lettuce, carrots, celery, cucumber ranch? it just tasted like regular ranch). Fran was working on audio stuff, I think a recording of a live show if I read the files right that she was messing around with in Ableton. She was busy so Q & I chatted with B about all the weird shit he does on long drives -- writes eulogies for his friends & cries, listened to one of JB's songs on repeat for 3 hours, drinks a beer, pisses himself... genuinely can't tell if those last two are jokes or not because I remember that time when Fran & I were walking home from the V and B was driving V home & they were definitely BOTH drunk in that car. And also B said like, MULTIPLE times how his pussy was rank today because he peed a bunch... somewhere... idfk. LOL. They're funny as fuck and gross & weird & it is awesome. I also showed JB my stop motion from like freshman year & we talked about making a music video for my favorite song of hers & also that puppet show I was asked to do that I want her to collab with me on.... exciting collaborations between me & JB coming soon I think. Which I'm very excited about & she seems excited about it too ("thanks for investing creative energy into my music" she said). But we actually gotta bust a move on the puppets cos that show is in exactly ONE MONTH. Okay then I had to go to work so I dropped Q off at some Magic the Gathering Commander meetup or something, idk. She didn't want to hang around all day at Fran's cos she didn't want to overstay her welcome but that means she went to the meetup 4 hours early which is crazy to me.
Work was normal. I don't want to talk about it. I'm tired and I'm going to bed. Ciao!
CW SEXHonestly I think I'm gonna re-do my journal pages entirely one of these days, first to put a disclaimer on the whole page so I don't have to content warn my own diary (I'm a PROUD slut) & also to make an index page like jo's so i can go by month instead of year. I'm doing this on my 2023 page since I only did 2 entries last year.
Anyways, I've been having an amazing week. CB hit me up on Tuesday to finally do a sewing day together: "You free dis week to hand sew craft" she said. I was sewing that costume for M at the time, lol, I think Tuesday night I got 4 hours of sleep & Wednesday night I only got 3 because I was just fucking grinding away for our meeting on Thursday after having not worked on it almost at all for the past 6 months. I was treating it like a garment final in college which ended up working really well cos I would do exactly this type of shit when I was in school. I guess I just have a really hard time self-motivating when there aren't any imminent deadlines... kind of an ADHD moment idk. Anyways,
CW SHIVA, SUICIDE MENTIONOkay I remembered, I'm back. Let's keep these good vibes goingggg!!!!
It's so funny looking back at my entry yesterday and being like yep, I was really tired because it was like 3 AM & I was having an obsessive spiral. It's really like... lol ur so crazy girl ;) I think the best thing for me in those moments (especially if it's about gender) is to be like actually... it doesn't matter lol. Like I literally don't have to make a decision about it right now, and honestly I never have to. I feel really good about my gender, my identity, and the way I look right now. And I'm toying with the idea of going on T, which might make me feel really good, but maybe I'll decide to just stay like I am. And that feels good too. I think the biggest takeaway from watching all those detransitioner videos on Youtube is that I am NOTHING like any of them. I will always love the trans community & cherish it whole-heartedly. Trans people are the whole world to me, I love us so fucking much. And a lot of detrans people are so full of hate... then they wonder why the trans community rejects them! Because you are an asshole and you've decided that because your experience transitioning was negative that nobody should transition. ur crazy! And a lot of them really hate their bodies pre-transition, or were told they couldn't do certain things because they were whatever AGAB, and also felt like they needed to fit into this really binary idea of "the opposite gender." Which is not at ALL how I feel on any of those fronts. I want to transition to be more NONbinary, not a man. I don't feel like I was raised with a lot of rhetoric that I couldn't do certain things because I was a girl. I think I have low self-esteem but I don't think it has to do with my gender.
I just set up an interview to work at Starbucks. I want something better but I am so insanely broke rn, I need a job ASAP and this is promising, at least it's a decent job for me to do while I look for something better. Always looking for something better... this is why I've been so depressed lately. Being unemployed is really hard & they took away my foodstamps this summer because I didn't get the letter they sent me about having to reapply & they make it EXTREMELY DIFFICULT to get in contact with anyone who can fix it. What the fuck. I'm so frustrated. Anyways this is literally not what I want to talk about right now. C has been texting me today..... they sent me a dumb picture of them riding a bike that made me go *heart eyes*! Very cute. I really reaaaaally hope they like me. Even a little bit. We are going camping this weekend and I know NONE of the other people who are going. Fuck! They will probably all be older than me. Which is okay. But there are like 20 of them. That's okay too. Maybe I will meet my new best friend. Maybe C will kiss me on the mouth. I was living with a lot of people I didn't know in the woods this summer and had to tough it out during the most socially difficult parts of it (getting to know a bunch of people who already knew each other is torturous) so I'll be okay. I also lived with a bunch of people at camp that I think are now some of my best friends. Or I think at least, we will be friends for a really long time even if we are not best friends. The bond between us is strange! Because we see each other 24/7 for 6 weeks, and then we chat occasionally during the year, and then camp comes again and we spend SO much time together. You get very close and then you all spread out all over the place & only talk a little bit even though you hold deep love & gratitude in your hearts for each other. So that's funny. And quite nice too when we get to see each other. Which is why I wanted to have my birthday party in [city] so I could see as many of them as possible. C also has the same birthday as me which is very funny. I wish they could come to [city] with me but they are having their birthday here. And then a couple days after we will go camping. <3!!!!!!!!
I think I am typing in a very stilted way right now and I don't know why. I wonder if I watched or read something that subconciously planted a very awkward character's persona in my brain and now I am typing like this. I don't remember. Anyways! The reason I wanted to journal so bad was because of the day I had on Sunday. It was nice. Well, first I was on my phone all day. I talked about this a little bit in my entry yesterday. Then I went to that art market with D where I saw C & they kind of held my hand by linking our pointer fingers together when they asked me to come with them to smoke a cigarette which gave me butterflies but I think I held it down. Then C drove me to a show in [part of city] at this communist bookstore which was cool. My friends from [state] were there playing in their band, P-R. And J is the drummer for M-U too, and they all live here. Anyways, that was fun and stuff but socially challenging. I was just talking to a lot of people that I am only acquantainces with, which is sometimes harder than meeting new people. Because you kind of know each other but not really, and that can be kind of awkward sometimes when you're just talking about the limited things you know about each other. But it was good. G, M, M(boy)(new friend hopefully, even though he's moving back to [city that G&M are from] soon), and I stood in a circle and punched each other in the arm. G is a really hard puncher. I punched G & M(boy). Oh, I didn't mention that G & M were vending at the art market, too. Also, M(BP) was there!!! heart heart heart heart heart, I love her soooo much. I saw her on the bus today, too!!!! We talked about her new job teaching kids how to sew haha. And C uploaded one of her rolls of film to the Google Drive from BP. I can't wait until she uploads the roll that she took at the nude beach. I miss her lots! M & I both had a crush on her at BP hahaha. It's cause she is extremely pretty. Like my sister says "Am I a flirt or am I just nice and you think I'm hot?" I might be doing that to BOTH of the Cs in this journal entry. But I don't see C(BP) anymore :( I'm pretty sure she's back in [country]. I hope I see her next summer. I need to text her and H. I think about H a lot, probably also cos I'm thinking that I need to text her. I heard the song Caravan in a bookstore, I bought some Yerba Mate, I think about her sad tiger song a lot! Probably because she literally played it on the piano in the lower kitchen a MILLION times, lol. Once she was like "is it okay if I keep playing this?" and A was like "maybe you could play a different song?" but H didn't hear her & kept playing the sad tiger song lol.
Anyways yeah I can't tell if C ~[city] crush~ is just an affectionate friend or if there's something there. I might have said this in my last journal entry already. Whatever. I've been dating around so much and it struck me in the past few days how empty I still feel. And I wonder if dating around so much & forming so many shallow relationships all at once is the cause of it, or maybe I just feel really stressed because of unemployment, or maybe I just feel really unfulfilled in life which is fine because I'm working on it but definitely feels so ugh right now. I think I might need to stop sleeping with H or at least use protection next time because they have an STD that is currently dormant but could still be transmissable to me if they are asymptomatic and this relationship between us is WAY too casual to risk that in my opinion. I talked to my doctor today about it, she said I'll definitely know if I have it but it's really unlikely, so that's good. But now I have a new health thing to stress about, and this one is actually kind of reasonable. Bitch, you should have used protection!!! But I'm allergic to the latex in dental dams lol. Just looked it up, you can use plastic wrap. Winning!
I think I might be running out of things to say now. Oh wait, no, I haven't even TALKED about the shiva I went to today and yesterday. It was on Zoom, the actual shiva is happening in [state], actually tonight T's dad said that they live right next to the border. I want to say her name because I want everyone to know that she lived & is remembered & sorely missed, but I won't because of privacy sake. She was one of my campers. She was only 17. She loved playing guitar, piano, soccer, learning languages, was a foodie & a quiet sweetheart. Her dad & brother gave a list of albums they liked listening to together last night & I wrote them all down. She wanted to learn how to play the guzheng. It makes me so sad. I wish we could all be together, from camp, at the shiva supporting her parents & siblings. They said they are really grateful to camp & she loved it there. I'm really glad, because I was sick as a motherfucking dog the week she was there, and I didn't feel like I was able to conenct super well with my cabin because they were all so quiet. And when I learned of her passing I felt so deeply guilty. But there's usually nothing you could habe done in this type of situation. It just makes me so terribly sad to think of a young person in so much pain, and no one knew, and they didn't feel like they had anywhere else to turn. God, it breaks my fucking heart so much. The shiva was mostly just telling stories. I told a few. Tonight I said that she was one of the only campers I could get to play soccer with me until we brought her a keyboard to play, and last night I told the story of how she begged me to bring her a keyboard & I pestered B about it for a few days until we FINALLY got it to her. I also told them she played guitar every night for like a whole hour before bedtime. And I told them about how she jumped off a huge pile of logs onto one of the stumps around the campfire which scared the shit out of the counselors. I don't remember if I was there when that happened, or maybe it didn't register how dangerous it was. I don't know, it's funny that sometimes someone tells a story about something back to you and you can imagine it pretty vividly in your head but you don't know if you were actually there. Anyways, that story was from M anyways, not me. But yeah. That has been really hard & I just wish we could be together. There were so many people from camp there, I can't list all their initials because I don't even think I'll remember who tf I was talking about in the future. Actually, maybe I will: G, A, M, G, M, E, B... then there were other campers, both my other cabin kids that week, R & N, then kids from our pod, H who shared some stories, C, B, A who I don't really remember tbh... it's hard because I feel like it being the last week of camp & me being really sick I was checked out of that week. Which was a goal for me this summer, to NOT check out the last week of camp. It's just hard. You're exhausted. I really agree with J that we should do the 1 week session at the beginning of camp, then the next 4 weeks should be 2 week sessions. I like that idea a LOT. I just checked the website though & they're already enrolling for 2024 & the schedule is the same. Blegh. I think I might email admin about it tomorrow. Did I ever fill out that camp evaluation form? I don't remember if I finished it.
Okay I just finished that evaluation form. I'm going to bed now. Or, watching Youtube for a little bit then going to bed. ciao
CW TRANSPHOBIA, GROSS PORN, SEXThis feels so crazy. I've almost forgotten how to code, wow. This is my only entry 2023 entry so far, and might be my only entry at all this year. But I have so much to say! I've been thinking about what I want to write about all day but of course now everything has left my brain. I want to re-do this page since this theme has been going on for a few years (oh my god.... I've had this site for almost 3 years *barfs at the passage of time*) but I don't have any ideas. The fishbowl background is a start, though. The best was 2021 when I made the page look like a junk drawer. That entry at the top of the page always makes me laugh in embarrassment. "CW SEX & SUICIDE"... but that's real as fuck. In this entry I'm not talking about my own ideations. Thankfully I'm feeling okay even though I'm broke as all hell & struggling hard to find a job. I talk about Kishon a lot in that entry. She broke up with me not too long afterwards. She messaged me in August, a really long ass message that was really annoying. Just saying like, she's sorry but it was really vague so she didn't really say what she was sorry for. Sorry for... hurting me. And for... the pain she caused me. TBH, I don't even remember what I was hurt about when we broke up. Actually, that's a lie. I can think of a few things. But like, the thing is, I don't really care anymore. Which is good I think. My therapist thinks it's a good thing. I used to look at her Twitter pretty regularly but I stopped in May. Which is awesome. And also kind of lie because I went on her account today. Well, to be fair, I went on a LOT of people's accounts that I don't like today. Relapse. I think it's becaue I'm really intensely struggling with social media addiction right now. Yesterday I went to an art market & I told my ~[city] crush~~ that it felt like half of my brain was shut down because I had been on my phone all day before I went out. But yeah, I feel fried out as fuck. Even right now I don't feel fully there. I'm like... behind a screeeeen, desperately reaching out & trying to form coherent thoughts. Fried the fuck out.
Anyways my [city] crush. It feels awesomeeeeeee and it might be reciprocated. I can't tell. They might just be an affectionate friend. But god DAMN they're hot and nice and so, so funny. D told me that when we saw each other at the art market we both lit up.... cute. I want to hang out with D so much that we become best fucking friends. I love him so much and I adore hanging out with him and yeah. He's fun and sweet and I'm glad we keep hanging out because when I was in [city] last year we didn't hang out at ALL. WTF! It was my fault but it doesn't matter now. I think he's coming with me to my birthday party on Friday. Please, please, please D get the day off!!!!!!!! Lately I feel like I'm such a lover. I feel like a lot of my friends are in [city] which is NOT how I felt basically the entire year I was living here. There's D, M... oh fuck I can't think of anyone else LMFAO. Whatever, basically what I'm saying is I've been taking advantage of funemployment (even though it's REALLY. NOT. FUN. ANYMORE) and meeting a lot of ppl & going out a lot when I'm not doing gig or working at my new weekend serving job. I'm hooking up with someone who is hot but I don't think we're compatible personalities. Their Tinder profile said they were older than me but the SECOND we spoke I could tell they were younger than me -- I was picking them up from class & called to tell them I was outside & they said "oh god, you're outside." like it was just a REALLY specific you're-younger-than-me anxiety manifesting in the way they spoke & I IMMEDIATELY checked their profile to see what the age said again. And I was RIGHT, they broke the news later to me that night lmfao. And we just do not have the same sense of humor. AND I don't like the way they talk about trans people sometimes. Even though they're..... nonbinary?? I think? Like, it's complicated. They're an any-pronouns lesbian which doesn't really mean anything when you're being kind of transphobic. I've called them out on it too. I don't know how to explain it nor do I really want to get into the specific things they said that made me scratch my head. I'd rather talk about someone I like more. There's this other person, M, who I'm going to hook up with this month, we just have really unaligned schedules so it's gonna be in a couple weeks. He's SO fucking hot, and his name is really hot too sorry you can't see it just imagine a sexy M name. We went to a smoking bar ("they still have these?!" I said as we walked in) but actually we really met up like 8 blocks away while I was walking & he was biking & we just happened to run into each other. Fate <3 Then we talked literally all night which always feels AMAZING on a first date. We talked about the weirdest kind of porn we like (mine: I'm too embarrassed to admit online but he agreed & said like yeah, normal porn taste for a trans person. his: **hypothetically** GIRLS FUCKING HORSES. WAHTHWATWHAT. my jaw DROPPED. mine is NOT as bad as that. he has NOT j/o'ed to any beastiality videos THANK GOD WHAT THE FUCK but he said the idea of it... i don't know. i don't know the specifics. i guess if i connect it to something he said later in the night about old men, it's just so gross it's hot??????)
ANYWAYS we talked about other NORMAL things like his job (which is a sexy manual labor job) and my gig (also sexy manual labor) & the creepy old man I work for right now that I sometimes want to push into the ocean. I feel like I talked too much about myself. We talked a LOT about my gig but that's because there really is so much to say about that creepy old man. I don't even want to get into it. Right now my favorite stand-up bit is this which is a bit about talking too much, which Natalie fucking RESCINDED in a podcast episode which made me say "nooo don't take it back!!! that's my favorite joke you've EVER made!!" as if I could speak directly into the podcast episode to her or whatever. ANYWAYS M was definitely not shy, though! I'm now realizing wow, maybe he was just actually interested in what I had to say! Well yes, but what can also be true is that I feel like I should have asked him more questions about himself. WELL I guess it DOESN'T MATTER because towards the end of the date he leaned in to my neck to smell my perfume (Leather by Malin & Goetz, life-changing, I get told I smell good a LOT) then he KISSED me at the bus stop, winning!!!!!! and swooning!!!!! And so, so hot. I'm gonna **** the **** *** his **** fr. And what's even MORE exciting is that I met him thru a Lex post (diamond in the rough on that app) where he said he wanted to meet someone to have a threesum with his friend. Fun! I can't get a crush though. He's in a LTR and I'm not poly like that anymore. But I feel like I know that boundary, I see it, it's an established thing that I'm going into this situation with knowledge about, and I can hold it. I've had FWB before & I've done casual hookups with no fallout. But I'd also love to just be friends after hooking up too. I guess I kind of learned how to do that this summer with B. Thank god for them. I'm glad we're close still, they really navigated the "we should just be friends" conversation with grace when I was feeling really upset about it. And it helped me learn a lot about staying friends after having intense feelings for someone. I LOVE B! I can't wait to see him on my birthday!!
Speaking of all the transmasc ppl that I think are sexy... I have been thinking about going on T a LOT lately. I've been thinking about it all summer but it REALLY hit me when I was walking to the bus stop with M, the thought I've had over & over this summer which is "do I just think you're hot or do I want to be like you?" or both. or whatever or whATEVER!!!!! UGH. I want to take the leap of faith but it's the unknowns that terrify me. If I stay like how I am now, there's no human interference with how my body develops. It's au naturelle, and that just brings me ease because... because why? Because GOD made me like this & I shouldn't change or whatever bullshit I was fed by the church? The same bullshit I was told when I came out?.... Two things come to mind as I write this. The first is a quote:
"God blessed me by making me transsexual for the same reason God made wheat but not bread and fruit but not wine, so that humanity might share in the act of creation."
The second thing is something I wrote on my whiteboard not even a few hours ago: "It is easier to compare yourself to others & become completely inactive, than it is to do the really hard work to take steps that will change your life & make you feel better.
Actually kind of crazy how I wrote that down tonight & it applies to this too. I wrote it talking about making art, but it applies to a lot of things in my life right now: going on T, chipping away at my obsessive thoughts, finding a job, fixing my phone addiction, basically anything that ISN'T laying in bed all day on my phone. Which is what I brain reaaaaally wants to do ALL the time right now even though it makes me feel HORRIBLE and like I'm killing my fucking brain one cell at a time. Anyways back to T: I think it will be worth it to leap into the unknown. I don't think I'll be on it forever. I already have a stopping point envisioned for myself... it's kind of based on R and how they look, which is to say, VERY GOOD. They have a cute mustache & a hot voice & top surgery. But like, I can't base how I want to look on somebody who looks nothing like me. I don't want to look like my brother, I want to look like the dyke version of my brother. So. That's why I know I'll have a stopping point probably, unless I just feel so amazing on T that when I start it I decide to never stop. Who knows what will happen. I'm scared and excited. I want to talk to my doctor about it but I should DEFINITELY talk to my therapist about it just so we can rule out that this is just me acting really manic rn. But like, it's an idea I've been fiddling with for YEARS now. Come on. At some point, I guess, at this point I mean, I'm realizing that this could be something really life-affirming for me. And if I'm constantly looking up to people who are on T as like #goals! then bro... maybe that's what you want.
I guess it feels hard to trust myself. Even though I've known I'm trans for so long I still struggle with obsessive thoughts questioning if I really am. And it doesn't help that tonight I found out that this transmasc artist I used to know IRL is a girl again. When detransitioning starts to happen to people you know it feels kind of weird... like damn, that could happen to me.... but then again, there are PLENTY of trans people I know & love now (my beautiful friends!) who are so happy & definitely will be trans until they die. It's like, just crazy how many gender journeys there are idk, and scary to choose your own adventure, easier to let jesus take the wheel. I'm kind of talking in circles now, and I hope this doesn't sound anti-detransitioner. That would be an insane stance to have. I guess I just have this fear that I'm not really trans deep down, especially because I haven't medically transitioned. But then I'm like, I'll fucking barf if anyone calls me she or my birth name. BARF! idk, For some reason I'm okay with permanent tattoos but hormones makes me nervous. It's like, super permanent. AND unexpected. Maybe I'll start balding. ACK! Maybe I won't be able to sing anymore (my worst fear). Maybe I'll just be fucking ugly, lol. That's really the concern. Is that I'll hate how I look. But if I feel better about myself, won't I love how I look? It's like an ouroboros: feel better about myself so I like how I look, but also hopefully like how I look so I'll feel better about myself. The thing is I just DON'T KNOW. And I don't HATE myself right NOW... but what if I could really LOVE myself instead?
I'm so tired, I've been writing for 2 hours and it felt awesome. I didn't even get to most of what I wanted to say so let's meet back here tomorrow and I'll talk some more. Hopefully I'll remember. ciao!