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Tuesday 1/19/2021

3:51 PM

currently eating: spicy mayo ramen
It's been 10 whole days since I last journaled on here!!! The good news is that I've been busy because I've been hanging out with Robi a lot We're gettin' crossed & watching movies like every night which is fun haha. Then of course work & trying to clean up my apartment is also keeping me busy (work going well, cleaning..... not so well).
I'm eating ~glutinous~ ramen right now (spicy too, oh no... my doctor would kill me) because I MISSED that shit! Gluten-free ramen isn't good, it's all chewy and tastes gross no matter how you try to flavor it (at least the brown rice stuff I got at COSTCO does). But I can feel my stomach is not going to be happy with me after this already! Anyways, if I haven't journaled in 10 days, this also means it's been at least 10 days since I've done the Make Don't Break challenge, which is a little disappointing for me! I was thinking maybe I could do a little run down of the last 10 days and answer the questions anyways. (I'll link it back here when I do). I think I'm going to start a Focusmate session to keep me on track with writing and coding a new about page today. AND drawing pixel sprites for Judge's and my game. That's actually probably my number one priority for today so maybe I should stop writing for a bit and get on that (of course... after I start my about page, lol). ciao baby

Saturday 1/9/2021

8:20 PM

Hmmm... got off work early today which was so nice!! By a couple hours too, usually this is about the time I'm getting home / I've just gotten home so I feel good right now, relaxing, listening to ONRAC and thinking about the records collection page I want to do on here. It has some pretty complicated coding stuff (at least for me) in it so right now it's just a nice thought but.
Mm, this entry ended up being really short because I got distracted & spent the night watching YouTube... also Robi comes home tomorrow! ciao

Tuesday 1/5/2021

10:19 PM

Gotta go to bed ASAP, I work tomorrow & lied last night about going to bed early. I ended up staying up until 5:22 AM (I remembered exactly the time I decided to call it a night) and put on MAGDALENE by FKA twigs to fall asleep. Today for Make Don't Break, I decided to do something quick and fun because I actually got around to doing dishes, cleaning my bathroom sink and doing a load of laundry (even though I also took a nap). Robi comes home in only a couple of days and I don't feel like the apartment is better than when he left honestly, which makes me feel bad, but I feel slightly better knowing that I'm actively seeking help for that. Anyways, what I did was like, an old handwriting tag because I was thinking about how I really like my handwriting and how I feel like I've slowly curated it into its own "style." I know that everyone has a different handwriting style obviously but ever since 6th grade I've been purposefully testing & trying out different types of handwriting, kind of like developing an art style. Anyways, it makes me happy

(I think I might make a page on this site dedicated to The Orange because it's my favorite poem and very beautiful and makes me cry) The prompt for today is: "Where do you live under the influence?"

I feel like this is a wonderful question. I think I live under the influence of other people a lot. I care a lot about everyone's opinions of me, even complete strangers. I feel like with my family it's the worst. I'm very sick of living my life to their standards, and I feel like I am finally breaking out of that. I am not the person that everyone thinks I am or wants me to be and I'm not going to allow myself to let people love their own idea of me, or what I "should have" become. That's so fucking unfair to myself. I'm not even close to a lot of my family, like they literally don't know a thing about me really, so why the fuck should I care about what they think about how I'm living my fucking life? It's not like I'm asking them for money or anything, I'm not even bothering them.
I also think I live under the influence of sadness and shame/guilt. It makes me isolate myself because I feel unlovable and like I've done too many "bad" things (just things that I ruminate over in general) to make me worthy of having friends & being in community with others. I feel mean. I feel like I'm not a very good friend, and it's hard to tell yourself you're not, and also hard to ask people to reassure you that you're not because then you feel manipulative and like you're bad again. Woof, that's a little heavy but it's true. There are 4 more questions to this prompt that you can answer at the end of the day to help combat making decidions and choices when you're "under the influence.":
  • Where did I respond or act while under the influence of something outside of myself?

  • Am I often under the influence of this thing?

  • How can I attempt to respond, or avoid responding, while under the influence in the future?

  • What does it feel like to be under the influence of this specifically?

But! Since I didn't do a lot today, I don't really feel like I was under the influence of... anything. Except for maybe the guilt of taking a nap instead of getting stuff done. I think I reacted well, though. Instead of laying around feeling sorry for myself I actually did get up and take initiative. I'm proud of myself for that.
Wow also I just watched the cellophane music video & that robot scared me but also it was cool. see u ciao

Monday 1/4/2021

10:43 PM

currently listening to: Skeleton Tree by Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds
Tired... gonna go to bed much earlier than I did last night! Didn't complete chores again today. Kind of frustrated with myself. I had 3 appointments today and it was kind of like by the time I started up with doing dishes, laundry, etc., it was time for the next one. Skipping today's prompt because it's about self-care, but not in the "treat yourself" way, in the hard, true self reflection way. And I know half of my answer to the question:

"How will you honor your self-care and 'make' it a priority?"

As in, I know what that self-care to look like but I don't know how I'm going to make it a priority. I think it starts with being vulnerable. Being honest. Being more open. But I feel like I get in the way of myself. So maybe how I should start making it a priority is fixing that first. I think I still need to look for a new therapist. I've been with J. for almost a year now so I feel guilty for "firing" him, but I've felt this way for a while. Hmm... so maybe it starts there. Being honest. In Jenille Ramos' Instagram post (the person who created the prompt for today) she said that your answer will probably be what seems the hardest.

Sunday 1/3/2021

1:52 AM

Potentially long post ahead...I'm up late just like I was last night except I didn't do anything creative yesterday. Except, since there are no rules to Make Don't Break, I don't feel bad about it. I did the prompt, meditation, and read the article they sent us, and then watched some videos on transformative justice. Here's the channel I was watching those on. Oh wait, speaking of the prompt, it was:

"Instead of a to-do list, or even a to-make list, what is your to-feel list for today?"

And I was thinking about this while I was at work 'cause I saw the email in the morning. My immediate answer was "relief." I want(ed) to feel relief. The 2nd day of January was not better than the 1st, so I think after I found that my immediate response was a pretty good / important one, I actively sought out relief. I cried on the phone again with someone qualified because I didn't feel comfortable just heavily venting out of the blue to any of my friends or my sister again. I drove a lot again (but just my regular commute this time-- that in and of itself is a lot of driving for me). I wish I had more cheerful things to say so I apologize to anyone reading, this is just me kind of keeping track of my mood right now. I'm just in a rough spot.
Anyways, the prompt for today (or, I guess, yesterday now) is actually 3 questions.

1. Reflect on your relationship with the various habits in your life. Are you someone who needs the structure they provide, or do you find them constraining?

I think... both / it depends on what habit. I think that habits such as going to work (if you consider that a habit, which I do when considering the motions of getting up, getting ready, making myself food, etc) are necessary for keeping structure in my life. But when it comes to habits that I don't deem necessary, such as.... for example, journaling! haha, I eventually start to view them more as chores and I don't want to keep the habit. I think this is also because I'll create too many rules or expectations for myself surrounding new habits, and maybe that is actually the reason I eventually see "unneccessary" habits as constraining.

2. What are some of your habits? What impact do they have on your day-to-day life? Why do you have them?

One of my habits is making tea (nearly) every morning. 3. If you could instantly have any daily habit, what would it be?

Friday 1/1/2021

10:47 PM

There's so much reflection I could do right now but I only have about 10 minutes until I really have to go to bed. The first of the year did not go so well for me, but that's okay. There is a hopefulness to the new year but also fear of the unknown. I entered the year with loved ones and joy, but the day just brought a lot of little things that made today very overwhelming. I cried on the phone with my sister, I drove a lot, I drove a lot, and I'm okay. The hopefulness is still there. It's not really about whether 2021 itself will be good, it's more about promising to make it better. And I'm still trying!!! There are two parts of my brain, I feel like one is really hurting still and the other is carefully holding the hurting part. I'm trying really hard to love myself and I know I'm trying hard and that's good. And I'm hoping, hoping, hoping that I can heal that hurt and re-discover the lighter person inside of me that I know is there. Sorry to wax poetic, ew, but that's what's going on if you're trying to find out. It's not all bad though!!!! I am participating in the Make Don't Break Challenge, and this website is actually the ~medium~ I'm starting with. So, I made my New Year's Resolutions page!! Since there aren't any rules to the challenge, I didn't do a lot, but I got it down which felt awesome. That's the question for today:

What delights you?

And I think what delights me is completing projects. That sounds like a no-brainer, but when I was thinking about it, I was like, what is the most satisfying part of creating for me? And yes, I love the process, but I am always SO fucking proud when I have a completed project in front of me. To show it off? I was thinking maybe that's why, but I don't think so. I think it's just.... like, I fucking did that. Just for me type thing. Just proud to have done it. And showing it off is an added bonus too, haha.
Well, next I think I'm going to work on this page a little bit. I want to make an index to separate things by month and I also want to change this layout since I ripped it off someone else and I don't really like it so much anymore. I'll keep an archive though (probably...). Thanks for listening, thanks for reading, ciao <3

Tuesday 12/29/2020

12:58 PM

Just popping in for a second. I didn't do those dishes because I really didn't feel so great after my nap but I did eat dinner, and now I'm tackling those chores. I wanted to write down this tip I got from the Clean With Me Podcast, which is what I listen to when I'm doing chores nowadays. This isn't a direct quote, but she says something like, "100% of your dishes will get done, whether or not you do them now or later," and that's been a really helpful motivater for me to keep going when I'm cleaning. I also find this video (and it's followup) about the "ADHD Wall of Awful" really helpful. Okay, gonna throw a load of laundry in the washer then organize my dresser! ciao

Monday 12/28/2020

10:18 PM

I slept most of the day today and now I've woken up from a long nap with a headache. I think I'm a little hangry too so I should make myself dinner and hopefully I'll feel better enough after that to tackle a load of dishes? I'm looking at this website right now:
What's That On Your Head?!- Odd Lolita Headwear
Because I've been seeing people post their favorite 2020 coords of the year and I'm actually thinking of drafting my own (to sew, I mean) because a friend of mine did the same thing during quarantine and it turned out so good! I want to make a headpiece because I think making headwear is really fun even though it's also reallly difficult... and I was thinking about making something with rabbit ears on it, maybe something very similar to this but with longer ears? I still have to draw up some ideas because I'm still not sure which direction I'd like to go with it.
Sweet classical, country, gothic, old school, something inspired by Elizabethan / early Victorian era clothing with puffy sleeves and a corset bodice? Here are some more inspo links for my own future reference: Old School Lolita Meet . Another Bunny Ears Bonnet . Different Lolita Styles
Now I guess I'm going to make some food, do some dishes, and put away some laundry, although I do wish I could surf the web all night. ciao!
(i'm so hungry for some pizza right now!)

Sunday 12/27/2020

12:58 AM

It's pretty late right now and I have to get up early to clean my apartment, but I wanted to jot down some thoughts before that! Firstly, and I guess most importantly, I am really happy with how my site is coming along. Coding is a whole new realm of stuff I'm diving into that I've never done before, and it's pretty rewarding if not VERY challenging, lol. I like that I can make something artistic in the front but puzzling and smart in the back (okay so maybe coding isn't the hardest thing ever but it makes me feel smart). It's a lot of Googling and copy & pasting so far!! But I'm getting there, and I feel like I'm learning and quite possibly on my way to... the perfect finished website??? That's gonna take a while. I have a cool layout imagined for this that I'm not sure I can even accomplish with just HTML and CSS. But what I really like about this (and old web design in general?) is that I feel like it doesn't have to look amazing, or even professional. It can just be a collage of my words and stuff I like. I mean, just look at this page for example. And I put together myself!! That's so fun and more personal than social media but at the same time like, myssterious. I already get the appeal. Anyways, I really want to write out some more musings on anonymity and personal pages on free web hosting sites but for now I'm gonna cap it 'cause I really have to sleep. bella ciao bella ciao bella ciao

Friday 12/25/2020

Merry Christmas!

currently listening to: the Silver and Gold album by Sufjan Stevens
Merry Christmas to all those who celebrate! I woke up this morning and immediately stepped out onto my balcony to smoke the second half of a menthol cigarette I'd left in my ashtray. Now I'm alternating between drinking honey citron tea (site namesake) and pumpkin spice eggnog (diluted with coconut milk because it is grossly boozy). That, and I'm working on   -ˏˋhoney citron!ˊˎ-   (the site this time) obviously, because here I am. And I'm listening to this 3 hour album, which according to Spotify is like 5 discs long? Wild. I want shrimp shumai for breakfast but I think I gotta finish off the fritatta I made earlier this week first. I'm going to spoil myself with sushi dinner tonight though! I'm spending today (and the holidays in general) alone, not just because of COVID-19 but also because I work a lot and I only get today off. But I feel alright about it. I didn't for a couple days, but then last night I watched those old claymation Christmas movies The Little Drummer Boy ('68) and The Year Without a Santa Claus ('74) with my friends over Zoom and it made me feel better. We all work full-time and haven't seen each other at all for at least a month now I think, 'cause when it got colder outside and COVID cases spiked again, we stopped going out to the tennis courts to roller skate / skateboard / hoop. They're spending Christmas alone too, so we actually might meet up briefly to exchange cookies later today or something. I still have to make cookies! My friend A. gave me a recipe for some pumpkin sugar cookies that I have yet to make, but I have all the ingredients for! Need to do the dishes for that, though. Yes, it's Christmas and yes, I still have a lot of stuff to do... I'm thinking about taking a nap first.
ok, ciao, ttyl!