Sunday 11/21/2021

9:14 PM

Yeah, I'm gonna be talking about suicidal ideation and also having sex in this journal, lol. Don't read this if that would be upsetting.

I had a wonderful day yesterday. I went to a flea market with J, K, and A, and it was so nice to see all of them and spend time with them. I got a Tiger's Eye bracelet, some earmuffs, my new favorite candle (sage & grapefruit), the worst expensive tea I've ever had (red hibiscus & it was my own fault to put milk in tea with citric acid), and some really good $2 apple cider that made up for it. We also got bagels :) Then I had to go back home & head off to the puppet theater for a performance by an Indonesian-inspired troupe that was really, really great, and Kishon came to the second show! I even met & talked to the performers which was really nice to introduce myself and just chat with them, I felt abnormally myself again and not so... clammed up in a shell. I'm attributing it to the Tiger's Eye but I should really give myself some credit for being really open and social, too. I even got the number of someone in the troupe & they texted me saying we should hang out when we're in each other's areas which was really sweet & I will take them up on that offer if I'm ever in their city. Theeen Kishon spent the night & we had sex & it was really nice. I always call sex "nice," idk why, I guess I just mean it was good. It was sweet. There is always some un-realized fantasy I have because I can't physically have penetrative sex, so I get frustrated, but Kishon has patience and shi is really gentle and that makes me feel good. Also because I don't have work shi gave me the biggest hickey I have ever had in my whole life, like an EMBARRASSINGLY large one, so I really hope that fades by the time I'm seeing my family for Thanksgiving. This morning we had sex again and it was even better lol, like it was really great sex. Also we were being loud and I didn't realize Robi had someone over so I really hope neither of them could hear us, lmfao. Then I made her some bibimbap & I made myself & Robi & Q cachapas, yum. Kishon had to leave at 3. I was being really clingy, probably because shi fucked my brains out & also because I miss hir & love hir so so much! I wish we lived together so badly and I told hir that while we were driving to hir place. I can't wait to get married so I can call hir my wife. That sounds soooo nice, "my wife" <3 <3 <3

Kishon told me shi doesn't think shi's in the honeymoon phase anymore, but that I'll probably never leave it. I told hir, "probably not unless you bore me" which was only partially a joke. I really need novelty in my life to keep me interested, but now that I'm actively aware of this I'm actively combatting it, or at least, resolving it. We do new stuff all the time together. And just spending time together and hearing Kishon say I love you is really, really important to me. We also talked about how I say I love you really, really often. But it's because I don't really think that love should come from scarcity, it's not a finite resource and I have so much of it to give to hir!!! I'm just so stunned by the beauty and kindness and general wonderfulness of this person that I get to spend time with, who I'm so lucky to love and be loved by.

I was feeling pretty suicidal before I wrote all of this down. In fact, I was going to start with the negative stuff but I chose to focus on the positive first and that put me in a much better mindset. I was feeling really rejected (i.e. RSD) because someone I know who does tattoos won't respond to my DMs about getting one, and I feel like that's a sign that she doesn't like me, and that it's a sign that her whole friend group doesn't like me, and like everyone I know who lives in her city and went to her birthday party also doesn't like me... which isn't true. Not necessarily. I was thinking, "Geez, I've fucked up so much in my life so far, fumbled so many relationships that I should just start over in the next incarnation." That's how I was feeling. And that hurts. I feel like that a lot in my life, like I've fucked up beyond repair and I should kill myself for it. But I would miss out on so much. I would miss out on life with Kishon, with our children who we talk about having very often. Is it worth it to stick around for everything? Worth it to apologize to those I've hurt and try to move on with love towards them instead of resentment? Will people give me the same benefit of the doubt? I don't know. I can only hope so, that the people I know don't shut me out completley, that I can repair the relationships I've fumbled. I don't know I don't know. I'll be alright anyways I guess. Ciao

Friday 11/19/2021

9:30 PM

Man, I am in a bad fucking mood tonight. I was going to write mean stuff about my day but I'm choosing not to so I can just let go of it. I have the whole week off and I'm excited about it. Kishon is coming to the puppet show tomorrow, so this will be hir first one. I kind of hope shi comes alone but I would also like to see I. And anyways, I'll see them afterwards cos I'm going to their house to watch a movie probably but mostly sleep.

Okay, I am in a better mood now. 20 minutes later, lol. I put on clean pajamas, a new pad haha, and my bed jacket (I love having one of these now) so I am snuggly & also happy to have my baby blanket back (it was waiting in the laundry for a while). I made 2 blueberry toaster waffles, one with jam one with maple syrup, and I'm drinking mango margarita in a bottle. I have my soundproof headphones in so I can't tell when my downstairs neighbor is snoring, which literally keeps me up at night and has been a major source of my crankiness lately -- it is absolutely infuriating & they sleep directly below me. It makes me angry to even think about it. I am going to chill out & code my tarot page and, again, CHILL OUT. Phew!!!!! Hopefully this margarita helps me relax a bit because thinking about my neighbor snoring just got me all tense again. yikes. ciaooooooo

Later... (11:36 PM) currently listening to: this awesome city pop playlist
I really like being drunk. It's the only time I feel comfortable enough to stim freely, especially to music. I just spent probably 10 minutes rocking & flapping my hands to some really awesome 80s Japanese city pop music & I never do that. Well, unless I'm drunk. Do people with ADHD mask? I talked about it with Robi once, how masking feels like you're just being... fake. But I always feel fake, like I'm trying really hard but at the same time faking everything. I feel like I'm always masking, like I don't know what it's like to not mask because I'm always doing it, unless I'm alone in my car or alone & drunk. That's sad. I want to feel as comfortable to do what I do alone when I'm with my friends. I don't know how to explain it and I don't know why I can't. I don't even do the stimming stuff I do by myself around Kishon. Maybe it's because I'm occupied enough that I don't feel the need to do it, like I only do it when I'm bored?? idk why I'm trying to psychoanalyze myself but then again, this is my journal / blog & I can do whatever the hell I want. Okay, I'd rather drink more margaritas & flap my hands to 80s city pop so I'm gonna go do that. Ciao

Wednesday 11/17/2021

9:20 PM

I can feel the exhaustion in my bones. I am so tired this week. I am on the go constantly. I work 5 hours, get a break for 2 hours (which is always actually only 1 hour of rest because I commute back home everyday), then I go back for three more hours. Sometimes I go to the theater to work afterwards, a lot more often I have my girlfriend over to hang out, and being with hir is relaxing but we're also trying to squeeze in so much "quality time" that it ends up feeling just frantic. My nights are frantic. Frantically working, frantically trying to fit in a meal and some self care before I need to go to sleep in order to not be completely exhausted the next day, which I always am. I feel horrible because I don't want to feel like this, nor do I think I should feel like this, but fuck! Childcare is exhausting! Especially the age group I'm with! It's hard. I am struggling. I don't want to get burnt out and quit halfway through the year, though, especially because there are certainly some parts of my job that I totally adore. Well, I guess I mean there are some kids I totally adore. I should be a full-time babysitter or a nanny next. I think dealing with one family with children I really care about rather than 15 daily, half of which make me feel like they're trying to drive me up a wall, would be much better for my mental health and, arguably, my wallet. I think nannies get paid more than teachers, no? Wouldn't that be so fucking sad? And it's probably true! How do teachers not get paid more??? I think if I wasn't stressing about financials at the same time, even though I did just get a raise, I would maybe be less tired. I tried budgeting today and got confused. Joz said she could help me figure it out. I guess because I get paid in the middle and at the end of the month I'm just like, confused about which expenses go on which paycheck and how I should track that, plus tracking savings, etc. etc. BLAH BLAH. One of the nice things about being a teacher is that with the kids I really care about I'm like, oh, this is what having kids could be like! I could elaborate but I'll get sappy about my gf & also I can barely keep my eyes open now. I wanted to relax tonight by making a tarot card page on this site but I don't fucking remember enough about coding anymore for it to be relaxing or fun. I'm just fucking tired and now I'm fucking frustrated too. I wish Kishon would just text me back!!!!!!!!!!!!! Goodnight.

Saturday 11/13/2021

7:13 PM

I feel really down right now but I'm not sure why... I think it's 'cause I'm alone in my apartment and also I had a hard conversation about jealousy with Kishon. I don't think it was too hard for her, which is good, but I was crying. I think the details are probably for a more private journal, though. Other than that, today was really good! Kishon and Robi helped me finish cleaning & moving into my room, which was such a big help. I feel better about it and hope that when Joz comes home tomorrow things are great : ) BTW, I literally just put on lofi hip hop radio - beats to study and relax to because I was just sitting in silence. Maybe that's why I was feeling so down. I think I really need to learn how to be alone with myself and enjoy it. Maybe religion can help me in that. I want to start some sort of ritual practice and soon. I need it. Like, I really need that in my life, desperately. I feel so disconnected from the earth and from the people around me and even from myself. Whew. Alright, gonna go watch some YouTube videos about Jewish witches. ciaoooo

Saturday 11/6/2021

12:34 AM (lucky!)

I'm thinking about starting a bullet journal. I know, it's been 3 months since I've journaled here so I can barely keep up a regular journal but... what if it was a digital bullet journal? I'm sitting on the floor & drinking Celestial Seasoning's Tension Tamer tea. I think I finally found that one mug that leaks. Anyways I'm thinking about making this site my "digital bujo," however that might work out. That'd be nice, tbh. Maybe I should switch up the theme of my homepage to something cuter, more ~asthetique~.
ok i got distracted & spent a while editing my music page.... time for the actual entry. i will spend 20 minutes on this then allow myself to be done lol
The questions that claudia kai has for me are:

  • What do you want out of the system?
    I think the main things I want to focus on are organziation / planning of my thoughts and creativity, especially with this personal site medium on my side.
  • What supplies do you need?
    omg, I need nothing, just my computer & this site!!!! :D
  • How are you going to set it up?
    Keep an INDEX for the journal. a FUTURE LOG. a MONTLY LOG. I would also like to take notes from this video and do exercises from it. a GOALS / BUCKET LIST page. a BRAIN DUMP page. a GRATITUDE page. a HABIT TRACKER. a MONTHLY PLAYLIST. etc, etc?
  • So, speaking of brain dump, I need to read Severance by Ling Ma which was recommended to me by a coworker. BTW, I'm an elementary school teacher now??????? That's wild. I won't give much more away just because of privacy's sake but, it's been rewarding if not exhausting. And I'm working on puppets almost every day now which is so fucking fun and fulfilling. My puppeteer boss bought me a beer & pizza as payment tonight (I super do not get paid to work with him, I just really like doing it) and hanging out in a bar with him was fun even if I was pretty awkward with the people we were talking to. Sometimes I wonder if other people are wracking their brains for shit to talk about when there's awkward pauses in the conversation. They must be, right? Anyways. Tomorrow I think Joz & are going to a thrift store because Kishon doesn't want to go to the farmer's market anymore, which sucks because I was really looking forward to that. Alas! It was our three and a half year anniversary the other night so we cooked a nice 3 course meal (appetizer: fried eggplant, entree: salmon, mashed potatoes, green beans, desert: carrot cake, which shi likes but I do not lol) and tried watching The Green Knight but I got tired & bored & had to go to bed. Then we got woken up in the middle of the night by our downstairs neighbor who snores so loudly it wakes me up almost every night. Yikes!!!! Tomorrow I think I will make potato pancakes with the leftover mashed potatoes because we really made SO many & I asked mom to send me her recipe. I think maybe also I will make cachapas, so we can have 2 different kinds of pancakes in one day I guess. Okay, I really gotta go to the bathroom & I'm basically done talkin' so... ciao!!!

    Sunday 8/22/2021

    10:44 PM
    currently listening to: Adrianne Lenker's album "songs"

    Let me paint you a picture... it is 10:30 pm in [city]. It rained all day, on & off, really hard, and clouds still cover the sky as far as I can see outside my living room window. Light reflects off the clouds and makes them glow softly, and it's never really truly dark, and does any city ever sleep?
    The pink candle Jo gave me is lit & it smells nice.... spiced berry, cranberry woods, that almost fall smell. Joz opens the window and a breeze blows in! We're on the fourth floor, does that mean we get more airflow? Anyways... after a humid week the breeze feels amazing on my face, and I close my eyes just to feel it blow. I can feel myself smiling (R.'s "bring a small smile to the face" comes to mind) and Joz starts giggling at my "Beyonce moment." It is nice and peaceful and we got the bluetooth lightbulb to work so that glows rainbow and goes very well with Julianna Barwick's voice. My eyes are heavy! There is no place I'd rather be! I got a job today. I talked to Kishon on the phone. I went to the art store with Robi. We all tested out the rubber stamps he got at another art store. A stamp collage. I drew myself. I covered the drawing up. I talked to my mom on the phone. Bernie attacked my legs. I slept until noon and had a terrible dream about an awful chapter book & driving past farms & sliding off the road into a snow bank & a glass carousel in the window of a glass house & an old lesbian couple's living room & their collection of weird pig figurines. I talked to P. I love him. I love him, and more than I should, I know. I roasted vegetables from the garden. I made something like baba ganoush & it was good. I let Joz drive my car to class & it was fine. There is no place I'd rather be.
    Did I do anything new today? I went to the job! I made a new recipe, I scooped an eggplant out of it's.... shell... peel? I listened to mostly instrumental music all day. MF Doom's Coffin Nails & the whole Donuts album by J Dill. Joey Purp released a song today. It was fine, I think the flow sounds so similar to Elastic but maybe that's just how his music is, similar to one another. That's good because what he does sounds good but boring at the same time. P. said he loved it. I love him. My cheeks get hot thinking about him. But we're like, way terrible for one another. !!!!!!!!!!!

    Sunday 8/22/2021

    11:48 PM
    currently listening to: The Predatory Wasp of the Palisades Is Out to Get Us! by Sufjan Stevens (and vibing! and crying!)

    Damn, last time I was writing a journal entry on here I was also drunk! This time though, I've had 2 Jack Daniels watermelon punches & a Post Meridiem vodka gimlet (surprisingly good, despite being a gross 20% cocktail). I guess I'll just start with the tweet I just posted which made me realize I need to write a journal entry, haha... "Wow, i'm looking through a sketchbook from 2019 and finding some really breathtaking little sketches & journal entries, it's really nice to look at this type of old art & know that i can do wonderful shit like this cos i haven't made art in so long."
    Finding old journal entries is really nice because I don't remember much? I guess that's why it's nice to journal in general, even if I don't look at past journal entries I know the information is there if I want to look back. I love journaling on this site. It's so fucking easy and nice and the formatting is great because its MY formatting.!!!!!!! NEOCITIES THANK YOU!!!! I guess I'm just so happy to have this platform, and to have beautiful things to say, and to have me!!! I'm happy to be me in this moment. In my old journals I've found lots of stuff that I thought would be nice tattoo flash, probably stuff that I just thought was a little doodle at the time, too. I want to get back into that. Little doodles. It just feels so good to look at old artistic ideas and be like, FUCK, THAT WAS REALLY GOOD!!!! I'm so fucking proud of myself. Even if I'm superbly drunk, it feels good to be proud of myself. GOD!!!!! YES!!!!! I'm funemployed but it's awesome to like, know that I have this talent? I guess? is how I feel right now. I can't express myself very deeply, being drunk and all. In fact, I'm gonna start a stream of conciousness journaling sesh. Here goes!
    I'm listening to Run Away With Me also by Sufjan, and it's soooo vibey. Today I spent the morning with Kishon, my partner, and ah! I wish I could journal about camp but there is just toooo much to say. Maybe another time, because I want to vibe and have fun and a lot of what I have to say about camp is not fun. Love, come run away with me. That's how I feel about Kishon. I guess I'll write their full name, it's easier that way when it comes to people who play a big role in my life, not censoring their names, lol. I've been with them for a few years actually, but on and off. Last night we made dinner together and just spent a lot of sweet time together. Grateful for my roommates who gave me the apartment for the night, haha. Damn, R. smoked like, the rest of my cart. I just took an enormous hit, damn. I miss J. from camp!!!!!! She's such an angel, and I should text her. Which reminds me, I should text J. (so many J.s in my life, lol, I know I've written the J. abbreviation a million times already) 'cos they msged me on FB today!!!!

    Thurdsay 5/27/2021

    2:48 AM

    God, that header took me forever to format. Please excuse any typos, I drank 4 Smirnoff Ices and I know I spelled Thursday wrong but I spelled it wrong twice so I gave up. I am eating pistachios and I think they are the best food I have evver eaten. I am doing well, better than I was before, but I am also considering a side hobby in alcoholism because of how good I feel right now. That's not a joke, well maybe half a joke. I don't actually think I have an addictive personality but if I chose to drink every night it could become a habit. Who am I kidding, I do not have enough money to spend $10 on a pack every night. That's $300 / month on alcohol. I'm opening my 5th Smirnoff anyways, and I can feel my teeth decaying as I do. It tastes literally exactlly like orange juice. I'm brain dumping, if you can't tell already. What a therapeutic process, though, just... vibing with the keyboard. mmmm... I want some of those kiwi keyboard switches which are literally orgasmic but a) i type on a laptop & b) that company doesn't make them anymore *sad face* now I am listening to a keyboard switch compilation and having a ~braingasm~ (a word I have not heard since probably middle school) no but seriously my legs are all tingly, is this what ppl who experience tingles from ASMR feel like???? mmm i just burped and it tasted like a high quality salad. i think that is 'cos I ate kimchi and also that is SO gross, sorry, lol. I don't think anyone else actually reads these, except for maybe Jo, so hi jo I love you so dearly and please call me just so i can say hey, but yeah anyways.


    I'm watching Portalandia now instead of Mind Hunter which I was watching but it was really boring, also the episodes are 1 whole hour long
    I'm going to try and quickly finish this entry then watch Portlandia and draw.
    I found a lilac tree in my mom's backyard and made lilac & kumquat (store bought) simple syrup. I have been very into foraging lately (in fact, I would call it a special interest if I was ND diagnosed.. still working on that) and back at my mom's house, I've found 2 types of garlic mustard (actually, perhaps the same plant but at different stages in life, still need to do research & that is what is SO exciting about foraging) here is a list of things my sister & i saw on our very short walk:

    • mock strawberry
    • the biggest wood sorrel i have ever seen, also my favorite forageable
    • SO much mugwort - it's invasive & seem to grow everywhere here, planning to try the tea before i go off to camp
    • potentially burdock!!!!!!
    • a fully grown tulip poplar tree!!!!!!!!
    • dame's rocket

    okay those are the exciting things i guess. i am glad to be home with my sister & cat. I am going through boxes of all my old shit at my mom's house. I am excited to go to camp next month. I am worried that I might have melanoma or another type of skin cancer because of my many concerning moles.
    ciaoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo love you bye

    Sunday 4/18/2021

    10:11 PM
    HAPPY early BIRTHDAY JOZ!!!!

    I'm eat that expensive ube ice cream & the left side of my mouth is feeling weird again. I got my wisdom teeth taken out almost a week ago now and my jaw is so bruised and I think my gums are swollen on the left side of my mouth, it feels so strange like there's food caught in between my cheek & teeth constantly. I can't wait until the healing is over.

    I haven't been doing very well lately, but today was nice. (I think part of it is that I can't take my anxiety meds while I'm on the pain medication for my surgery so I'm not feeling great) We all went over to Joz' place for her birthday & I finally got to meet her boyfriend. He was cool, he's a man but he's chill, haha. I'm not friends with a lot of cis men so it takes me a second to warm up to them usually, but I liked him. We were all laughing and having a good time which I really needed. It was just nice, yeah. It was nice to stay over at Jo & Wednesday's too, even if both their cat and my mouth pain woke me up every morning at like 4 - 6 AM. Also hi Jo, I know you are probably reading this so love you,, thanks for letting me stay over and watch the Hunger Games it was fun. The Hunger Games, side note, is a good movie, at least the first one (and the second one too I think). I never finished the book series because I could never get past the scene in the second book where Pres. Snow is talking to Katniss in her office, it was so boring I always stopped. Sort of same with the movies, when you get to the Mockingjay movies they get so realistically politically involved and convoluted that the dystopian charm sort of loses its luster, if that makes sense. Same with Blade Runner, Ghost in the Shell, etc. When scripts start throwing tons of information at me about how an entire fictional government operates, I totally check out. I hope that makes sense and doesn't make it sound like I don't care how IRL governments operate, because I do. But a 1.5 hour movie is not the same as real life and what is fiction without a little bit of escapism, yadda yadda yadda.

    Anyways, I'm putting in my two weeks on Saturday. I feel like I talked a lot about myself tonight and how I don't know what I'm doing, but it's true. I'm glad we were all laughing about it, because I've been constantly crying about it at home. I called my grandma and cried about it, I cry on my way to work and now at work I cry too. I cry after sending emails and texts because I seriously do not have anything together right now and I feel so fucking disconnected from everyone and everything. The frustrating part is I know that I'm the only person who can make drastic changes in my life (which is exactly what I need to do, I need to change my attitude and just who I am, because with the way I'm currently living, shit is not fucking working for me right now) and I don't know where to start. I feel like I'm too scared to make leaps of faith, because I have this internal monologue about how everything fails for me and so why wouldn't this? I can't complete anything because I never complete anything, right? I need a massive overhaul of my approach to life. MASSIVE. I didn't change in 2020. I didn't really try to. I want 2021 to be the year I change, the year I really try. I applied to a camp counselor job for the summer that I've wanted since 2018 (I wasn't old enough until now). I'm quitting the job that I'm miserable at and I'm going to go back and live with my mom for a month (I haven't seen my family since October & I think honestly, as a young adult, it's okay to leave my job to see my fucking family. If anything, I'll only see them less and less as I get older unfortunately so I'm taking advantage of the sort of leniance I have in my life right now). I'll come back for the beginning of June probably to put most of my stuff in a storage locker for June - August (while I'm at camp, given I have to get the job first) and try to find a job that I can secure for the fall. I'm getting my half sleeve done! Here are some other things I want to do, need to do, will do:

    • i'll take guitar or archery lessons (i know, very different things, both things i enjoy and would like to take classes on), next year
    • i'll finish a book of beginner Korean lessons
    • i'll read Braiding Sweetgrass
    • i'll go hiking in [STATE] before i leave (in June?) and text G. about backpacking (absolutely can't hurt to ask, right?)
    • i'll text M. and ask what's going on at the theater this year, just to see if i can volunteer & get back out there
    • i'll practice flow arts & start captioning while i'm home again
    • i'll get a new therapist & try working with a new organizer, too, before i head off to camp
    • i'll plan a day trip with my family, hiking or something, just to spend time with them

    I don't think it can hurt to be ambitious. I think that's the first step if anything. i love you (me).

    Saturday 4/3/2021

    3:46 PM

    I left work early today because my stomach hurt. I got sick last night 'cos I drank wine & now I think it's all wine that tears up my stomach, not just red. I've been home since 'bout 10 AM but I haven't done much. I still need to do my taxes, yikes!

    I regret not journaling about my time at the shoot in Indiana, but we were literally working all day nonstop & when I would get back to E.'s house I would absolutely crash without fail. At the same time though, it was nice to take a little break from the journaling. Also, I'm glad I met LC, we're still talking & it's cool.

    Anyways, work has been tough, as always. I applied to this gardening center job and I really think I'm going to get it. I have to believe I will. On Indeed it said they were getting a lot of applicants so I'm assuming it's just taking a second to respond to my email. I'm gonna follow up on Monday though. A bakery also called me for an interview, and I should call them back. I'm already bored of writing this entry. Both guys who bothered me at work got fired. I don't think they should have been fired, but I'm not sad that they're gone either. J. said she got a job offer from J. (old team lead) & I'm happy for her! I think C. and E. are also putting feelers out there for a new job. I often wonder if I'll remember what initials were which when I read these back in the future. Who knows. I don't read my old journal from last year, though, maybe I won't with this either. I guess it's just boring to me lol, but I think still good practice to get your thoughts out which is why I do it. Okay, like I said, already bored, so ciao

    Monday 3/15/2021

    8:27 PM

    I spent a lot of money today and I feel stupid about it. I ran a lot of errands and that's why. I went to Goodwill and didn't find what I needed (some office stuff), but I bought a jacket and a stupid Garfield toy for a dollar. There was this beautiful black, sort of gothic dress but it didn't have the fucking tag on it so the person wouldn't sell it to me????? I was so pissed and I might go back tomorrow just for it, honestly. I was so happy to find it because I've been looking for a dress just like it for a while. I don't know why I justify buying dumb shit like this, though. I don't know if I'm being too hard on myself, either. I didn't need those candles I bought at IKEA (I was there for a shelving unit). but they smelled good and I thought they would look nice on my desk. I realized none of the fucking furniture matches in my room and it's just making me upset, I guess. I bought sushi for lunch at the store, too (was there for some skincare products, which I did need and got a discount on, actually, but for some reason still feel bad about spending money on). I just checked an account I use for budgeting and it looks bad. Oof. I think what mom said about me spending my money on unimportant / silly things too much really got to me.

    Robi came with me to run errands all day, which was really nice because it took us a whopping four hours. And then he helped me take my shelving unit up the stairs, and helped me clean the trash out of my car, and bought Popeye's for dinner. So I thanked him profusely, for being amazing and caring and understanding and supportive and my roommate and friend and i love him. We watched Lake Mungo. I've seen it before, but this time it made me cry. I guess the concept of moving on, the acceptance stage of grief, was more apparent to me this time. It's better that way, when you're not trying to view it as a strictly horror movie. I think my moods are going up and down a lot lately. I keep going from having a great day to having a terrible day quickly. This isn't super normal for me, I don't think. But maybe it is. I can't tell now, I'm high and thinking about my pattern of moods over the past few weeks is always difficult. I've just been extremely busy lately. Yesterday I modeled for an old friend E.'s fashion line (I think it may be part of her thesis actually? It's for the fashion line class). It was fun, she brought her roommates as the other models and it was a little awkward but nice. I just hope I don't look stupid in the photos. I know they got at least one cute one though, because I saw it. Tomorrow I don't have anything to do except clean. BTW, I lit those candles I got (I got green apple and peach tea lights) and they actually make me sooo happy so I don't really regret buying them anymore, yay. They also smell amazing. They do burn pretty quickly, I guess that's the nature of a tea light, they burn in about 2 hours I just searched up. I won't keep these lit long anyways since I'll go to sleep soon. Tomorrow I have a lot to do, gotta roll out the run on my floor, build the shelving unit, etc. OH shiiiit, I have to do my taxes tomorrow, too. Fuck. Fuck! Fuck! :( :( :( So much shit costing me money this month. Oh wait, no, hopefully I'll actually get money back, right? Like that's the whole point of taxes? I don't know. Please send warm wishes my way. I don't feel awesome this month lately today. ciao

    Tuesday 3/9/2021

    11:30 AM

    I have to do a lot more "administrative" work today, i.e. calling places about my taxes, sending emails, etc. I have another dentist appointment today, and I sort of hate that I didn't realize the dentist I chose (per a coworker's recommendation) is a whole hour away. It sucks but my mom says not to change dentists because now they already have my files and stuff. I think after I get this surgery (wisdom teeth) I'm going to switch anyways.

    I'm doing this stream of conciousness writing because I found a TikTok that's like "8 things you can do every morning to improve your life." Well, I don't know about every morning but I'll try it out today. I really hated doing breathwork though, it was uncomfortable so I skipped it and just did a regular meditation session instead. Meditation frustrates me, though. I never feel like I'm concentrating hard enough, or in the right way. I always get distracted and I feel like I end up more frustrated when I'm finishedthat when I started. So that sucks. But I don't do it consistently, either, so maybe that's the problem.

    Jo got those photos he took at the tennis courts developed yesterday & they're really cute. The group photo she took of us is my lockscreen now. I have to finish this morning routine, eat breakfast, and make phonecalls. I don't really have anything else to say but maybe I'll write more later. Oh, I watched Stoker last night and I really liked the cinematography & the way it was edited, really cool stuff. I might watch another one of Park Chan-wook's movies tonight, but it's weird because I didn't like Oldboy or Sympathy for Lady Vengence really. The Handmaiden was better. But why is he obsessed with putting both explicit (Stoker, Oldboy) and implied (The Handmaiden's weird sex shit) incest in his movies, vom. Okay, gonna actually go now, ciao.

    Monday 3/8/2021

    9:26 AM
    currently listening to: Last Night's Fake Blood by Miniature Tigers

    I made a long list of chores last night that I want to complete today. I broke them all up into managable tasks so I actually think I'll be able to complete a substantial chunk of it, even though both L. and I know that doing chores in one fell swoop usually does not work out as planned. I'm allowing for that today. I'm not even high, but I feel that same sort of letting go of what I can't control. Maybe it's just a mindset that's changing in me lately. I'm gonna have eggs & rice for breakfast I think. I'm not sure if eating so much rice is good for me but I like it. I think it's become one of those foods I can eat all the time even if I feel sick (same with eggs usually, but lately I've had an aversion to them, which is why I want to have them together). I've been wondering lately if people with ADHD can have tics & stim. I think they can. The reason I've been wondering is because I feel like I've been realizing that some of the repetitive actions I do on a daily basis might be subconcious stimming. I just looked it up though and I don't think I have tics, well maybe this sort of nervous tic I have but whatever, everyone has nervous tics right? And anyways, I really just got on here to write about my quick gameplan for the day, so I'm gonna hop off now. Wish me luck! I feel more motivated because I got out of bed early :)

    Later... (5:30 PM) WOW! I finished the whole list!!! Before the sun's even set, I'm so proud of myself!!!! I felt so extremely motivated today, I guess, haha. Also partially because I've been researching / listening to audiobooks about / watching YouTube videos about witchcraft today. I know this might sound silly but I've been interested in practicing some sort of spirituality again a LOT lately, and I've been interested in witchcraft since.... well, since I knew people still practiced witchcraft, really. I think a few things stop me from diving into a practice (I'm drawing to green witch stuff especially): A. I was raised Christian, B. it takes a lot of research and the reading & note-taking is daunting to me, and C. some deeper thinking about white people & witchcraft & if I even should practice pagan traditions. (I honestly don't believe in the Wiccan religion because from what I have read, it was developed by an "anthropologist" in the 50s and he might have stolen traditions like Ancient Mesopotamian practices???) Another type of witchcraft that interests me, though, is Irish witchcraft, and I do have Irish lineage in my family. Speaking of my Irish lineage, lol, I should call my Grandma tonight. The sun is setting now, I don't know if I'll write again today. I want to settle down with a good movie and eat popcorn. Oh, also, if you are a practicing witch or interested in witchcraft and want to chat about it, email me!! (I think a direct link to email me is on my music page actually, too. Ciao <3

    Sunday 3/7/2021

    1:18 PM
    currently watching: this Drew Gooden video

    I had ideas about what I was going to write but then I got high. My plan for today is to completely relax. All day. I actually do want to do a couple chores, but the main goal is to not put so much pressure on myself. So that includes having the permission to relax literally all day if I want to, then that's totally okay. And if I do get any chores done, well that's just a bonus burst of energy I had, lol.

    I think when I'm having a good high it does let me totally let go of that control I need to have so often in my brain, then when it's bad it's usually because I'm scared of that loss of control while high. Does that make sense? *shrugs*

    K. has not texted me back since I texted them on Thursday. The last time we talked was in February, and then they weren't texting me and I didn't want to text first because I always text first, but I also realized they probably won't do it. So I texted them & no response. I know they saw it though. They're on Twitter. IDK. They haven't blocked me yet so... I juist want them to tell me if they don't want me talking to them anymore, really.

    Later... Oh, wow, so it's already 5 PM! I really didn't do anything today (good for me, honestly!), but I also didn't watch movies! I guess I shouldn't put pressure on myself to do that either, I did just start watching Pure on Hulu. I don't know if I'll like it. I was going to watch The Bitter Tears of Petra von Kant per Jo's recommendation, but I want to work on my website and I can't do that with a German movie (subtitle reading required). I ate a lot of pizza for lunch which made me feel bad but also it was sooo good... I'm going to start my garden page, which is a hidden link on my homepage. ;) I try not to make my hidden links too difficult, because I do want them to be find-able, so they'll always be in images.

    Even Later... Movies can't keep my attention. I keep trying to start another one but I can't get through any of them. I'm tired. All I did was eat pizza all day and lay down, which was nice but I wish I'd taken a nap. I still wish I'd done more even though I gave myself permission to do nothing. There's always that nagging voice telling me I should have done more. Anyways, since movies can't keep my attention, I actually want to read!! Which is not a usual feeling for me so that honestly feels good, I'm going to do that. Also K. literally just texted me as I was typing this, I guess they were just busy. Still, I wish we talked more. I feel like we aren't really friends anymore and it's partially due to all the drama that's happened over the past few months with i-know-who. Which fucking sucks. Also they literally texted one of my friends today in the weird random way that they do. I honestly hope they never contact me again but on the other hand I want to get full, complete closure and I can't do that really because I just fucking ghosted them. Anyways I really don't want to talk about that on here, and I've avoided it so far... I'm gonna go read now, maybe fall asleep tbh. ciao :)

    Wednesday 3/3/2021

    9:43 PM

    I'm having a pretty good night actually. My old puppetry professor invited me to her class tonight because they were having an artist talk! It was a great talk & I got to see old classmates I haven't seen in literally more than a year, basically 2 years honestly because my last semester at college I isolated myself so hard... that's neither here nor there. It was very nice and I was honored to be invited. I'm glad I reached out to my prof because she sent such a sweet reply that made me realize that I actually... matter and like, people think about me, even people I really admire???? Crazy. I'm a figure in other people's lives that takes up space in their thoughts. That's awesome. And terrifying. See, my thing is it is wonderful to be perceived in a positive light but I'm perpetually afraid of people really disliking me. But my old prof is also one of the kindest, most knowledgable people I know so thats just like. Wow. thank you for thinking of me, for even replying. I literally love you lol.

    Also I started talking to someone from a dating app tonight & they seem cool. Also I'm exhausted. I had a grilled cheese for dinner. But like, a weird grilled cheese with cheddar, ricotta, & I added dill pickle Lays for a crunch, lol.... I think I'm gonna have soup again for lunch tomorrow. And probably oatmeal for breakfast 'cause I need to run out and get oat milk for cereal. I should make myself a real breakfast but I never have time, ya know? Also I've been journaling pretty consistently on here which is really awesome. I think that there is some of the satisfaction of having an audience on here, because it's part social media, but the double satisfaction of being mostly anonymous. Besides the few people who do know about this website, although I doubt they check it. Which is also cool. Like, it's no pressure. I have like maybe 20 followers on here, lol. And I like that we kind of all follow each other : ) it makes me feel like we're a little hodge podge friend group. Love y'all, ciao! Goodnight!

    Monday 3/1/2021

    8:51 AM

    I'm at a car dealership right now waiting for my oil change to get done & acting like a very cool hacker typin' code, but I'm just blogging lol... No one's looking at me anyways, I'm holed up in one of the personal computer booths. It's still fun to pretend sometimes. Also my oil change is waaaay too expensive here but fuck, I got up at 8 AM & drove here & made the appointment, and I don't know any good mechanics so I'm paying too much. I need to find a mechanic, because I can't be paying like double, even quadruple every time I need an oil change just for the convenience of going to a place with a familiar name.

    Anyways, I'm listening to Feels right now, which has me vibing in the dealership. Honestly that is my favorite song on the album but I linked the Slide video on my music page because lol, having a favorite song feat. Katy Perry is almost embarrasing. Maybe that's like, shame I've harbored from middle school or something. In 6th grade I made a mask that was supposed to be the pink makeup from the E.T. video by her, and I kept it for so long when it looked terrible, LOL. But WOAH, I just saw that Feels has 50 MIL more listens on Spotify than Slide. Probably because it's a more ~jammy~ pop song, but still that is not fair because Slide is amazing so yeah I'll keep it on my page.

    Sunday 2/28/2021

    8:30 PM

    I had a terrible day, but I'm feeling better now. I'm finishing off a bottle of rum (in mixed drinks, also it's mango flavored so not as bad) & watching Kappa Kaiju and he's so funny, or maybe I'm just tipsy and laughing at all his jokes. Either way, enjoyable and I'm actually LOLing. I feel like making a new page on my site, or maybe I should work on one I've been putting off (listen... the actual writing of a page is infinitely more difficult than creating the aesthetics...), i.e. my Kate Bush page, Miku page, or doing the writing on my music page. But the thing is it's soooo satisfying to hammer out an entire page in a couple hours, which is exactly what I did with my music page.

    Anyways, I do love this site. And if you're reading this, I love you! AAF (As A Friend, which is what my friends & I would write to each other in yearbooks, cards, etc. in elementary school lol) This is my favorite creative pursuit at the moment, and I truly don't see myself actually stopping anytime soon, although I feel like I've slowed down a bit. That's okay, because I was in a slump initially, too, but then I busted out the Miku & music & started a new homepage in like, a week. I know I'll get back to it again. I already have plans for my homepage but the thing is that I don't know if I like where it's going aesthetically right now. I might just have to change the background. Or maybe the box style. But I also like the strange regal feeling... You see, I was going to change my entrance page to match those vibes, but a lot of people compliment my entrance page! And I know this page isn't for other people, but it's nice to hear that it is aesthetically well-made when I thought it wasn't. SO I think I might keep it.

    I'm listening to the songs on my music page, specifically LEGO by 1 800 PAIN which fuuuucks. I think I have good taste in music. And I think I'm gonna put a little quip on that page that says to rec me songs / albums if you think I'd like them per my music taste on there. Yeah, that's a good idea. I'm gonna do that. Ciao!

    Later... Judge and I called on Discord & I watched him play The Witcher, then it was boring so we started playing Persona 5 but he had to pick up A. from work. We're gonna call again if he's not too tired when he gets back! I put 10 drops of lavender & 3 drops of eucalyptus in my essential oil diffuser (thanks to my sister & mom for getting me that for Christmas 'cos I've been wanting one for so long...) & I think this is my favorite combination so far, honestly. I'm eating the rest of the kimbap ingredients I sliced up b'cos I can't resist fried tofu & pickled radish & spicy squid, yuuuum.... I've had kimbap 3 times today, for lunch, dinner, & now as an (almost) midnight snack. I finished the bottle of rum. I miss Jo (hi jo if ur reading this i love u soooo much).... my roommate seems mad at me but he said he wasn't he just didn't feel good, but then after i asked if i did something to upset him we didn't talk all day. so. i don't know. i was raised in a household where the silent treatment was a completely normal way to handle conflict, which i hate, but at the same time if someone is not going to talk to me then i do not want to talk. how unhealthy is that?? how personal is this?? i didn't want to journal about it at first because i srsly do not want to involve my actual IRL conflicts in this blog, but. no one's reading this anyways probably. maybe. i don't know (again). i'm drunk.... kind of.

    Thursday 2/25/2021

    9:46 PM

    I forgot today was Thursday. Thank god. Short work week. I just spent the last 3 hours frantically trying to download everything off of my old university Google Drive because they re-activated it for 24 hours. Too bad for them because I couldn't get into my actual account on the school site to download my transcripts so they're gonna have to let me back in again.... I'm gonna make them. I'll call again on Monday when I actually have time to do this shit. Note to self: EARLY IN THE MORNING. I actually finally got a hold of someone by calling like right after they open. It's taken me months to reach anyone over there so I'll take my initial 24 hours, I guess.

    I'm exhausted and waiting for this enormous video to download... seriously, how can one video be 6GB??????? I have to compress it somehow. It's not even that important of a project, I just don't want to lose the shit I did in school because they deactivated my email, ya know?

    In the morning I'll send a couple emails to professors I really loved just to tell them they're great and I'll miss them. Hopefully they'll go through, I dunno. Oh shit, that reminds me, I wanted to fucking download the demo files that they shared with me, too.... Okay I really GTG. Ciao.

    Wednesday 2/24/2021

    10:29 AM

    I'm setting an intention for today: I am relaxed and focused (/motivated). I think the log I did yesterday helped, so I'm going to do it today too! It helps me see what I did, motivates me to do more, and is just a good way to log time (I have ADHD & have a severely warped perception of time... like yesterday, when I put a load of laundry in at 1 PM, it seriously felt like I walked back upstairs & was 2 PM already, I couldn't even remember what I had been doing for the entire hour). Alright, I feel like 10:30 is as good a time as any to start the day, let's get it on!

    10:00 AM watched a video about setting intentions & meditated
    5 minute meditation on the app I really like, Headspace! I started at the Basics again because it's been a while since I've practiced mindfulness.
    11:00 AM switched & folded laundry
    i'm losing track of time again hmmmm this might have been done at 11:30?... using the pomodoro method is working out though i think, it's reminding me that i was doing stuff when i lose track of time & the alarm goes off lol
    11:30 AM made grocery list & ate breakfast
    gonna head out to do the shopping at 2-3ish, breakfast was fried eggs on toast with worcestershire sauce & blueberry juice from Ikea!

    I lost track of time & was busy & didn't log. Here's a simple-er list of the things I got done instead:

    replied to texts
    did more laundry
    went grocery shopping (& got a new rug for my bedroom)
    made kimbap for dinner (took me an hour but sooo worth it)

    I missed therapy 'cause I lost track of time while I was shopping. Whoops. I have to email my therapist... ciao

    Tuesday 2/23/2021

    11:38 AM

    I'm going to try being productive today, and my technique is going to be A) using the pomodoro technique, and B) logging my accomplishments of the day in this entry.
    I'm going to the tennis courts with everyone at 3, for a picnic & to do some skating I'm assuming, so I have a few hours to get some stuff done before then.

    11:30 AM showered & got dressed
    i've kind of had an aversion to showering lately... I know, gross... chalk it up to rough mental state & cold weather, so this was good!! i did skincare too.
    1:00 PM put a load of laundry in
    did the towels that were sitting in the laundry basket! score!
    2:00 PM picked up pizza & J. to go to the tennis courts
    pizza was only 9 bucks >:) yay
    2:45 - 4:30 PM met up at the tennis court!
    i was trying to perfect my walk the dog >> wedgie move but watching actual tutorials now I realize i was doing it wrong... fed a squirrel a piece of pizza that got literally blown away by the wind heheheh
    ?:?? - ?:?? PM went to ikea & ace hardware
    they didn't have what i wanted but i got more elderflower concentrate... went to ace hardware in the middle of nowhere & got a new carabiner for my keys 'cos the other one broke... they also did not have the one i wanted....
    8:30 PM got home & put another load of laundry in
    finally got home after driving for literally an hour... i thought that ace hardware was closer...
    12 AM switched laundry loads, bagged the rest of the laundry
    getting tired.... :( feeling quite unmotivated now.... but persisting! put on my essential oil diffuser, a citrus blend that i added more orange to
    1 AM sent a couple "business" emails
    yay! i hate sending emails, good job me! it was okay to send them so late because they weren't like... super professional business transactions lol

    Sunday 2/21/2021

    9:20 PM
    NSFW entry, please do not read unless you are 18+

    Whenever I want to work on my blog but I don't actually want to code, writing a journal entry seems to satisfy that craving. I need my Neocities fix. I literally can't stop telling people about my website, which is funny because I don't want anyone outside of my close friends to be able to actually find it... but anyways, I'm just really proud of it. Today was nice, I spent it on this website mainly, lol, or on Tumblr looking for more images to download for future use. I think something frustrating about Tumblr is that so many people post uncredited art that can be so easily linked back to the artist with a quick Google Reverse Image Search, though, so I try to be mindful of what I'm saving. I am incredibly proud of my new music page. I think the code is better than any of my other pages, because I was mindful of indenting to make each ablum's code distinct from the next, and it was all very straightforward coding. It's simple, but I think it looks so good. Also, I learned more about flexboxes, which is like, my new favorite thing. Something that spaces elements evenly for you?? Yes please.

    It's way later now & I'm drunk, lol, or at least kind of. I drank a mixed rum drink, with lots of peach vinegar concentrate which is a great mixer, if not kind of expensive. I also drank a glass of Manischewitz Blackberry Wine so....
    Robi and I watched The Bay and it was pretty good, good horror movie that grossed me out & scared me. The ending was dissapointing though, definitely felt like they didn't really know how to end it when they wrote it. I think that's my biggest pet peeve about movies, is when it's good but the ending sucks. I'm trying to keep this buzz going because writing while intoxicated is fun but I can feel the l'acool wearing off. Did you know I took French classes for 5 years? And yes, fuck the French, but I think I got pretty good before I forgot it all in college.

    I want to finish reading The Haunting of Hill House and write my fanfiction about Eleanor & Theodora. I started it, but I actually want to make it good. I love their relationship in that book. And I think I want to publish it on here. I was inspired by Briar Ripley Page and their writing, as I've just downloaded Corrupted Vessels and plan to read it fairly soon, as well as, always Fox, if you don't already know they are one of my favorite sites on Neocitites and their library is one of my favorite parts of their page. People who write longform for fun are awesome!!! And I think I have a good idea for a love story, that includes a setting much like AntiChrist (a movie I hate, won't even link to it, as I hate Lars Von Trier, but the setting was very beautiful) as I can imagine the women living out a quiet life together in the woods, and I can imagine Eleanor's anxieties manifesting in the solitude..... GOD, if only I could get past the first few paragraphs! I used to write Angel Beats! fanfiction when I was, what, 13? And reading it back (my account is still up), it actually wasn't that bad! I thrived in English until about sophomore year when I went into an Honors course and it ruined the subject for me, not to mention I had a teacher who did not seem to like me at all. Then I got really into math, although I've always been pretty good at math and proud of it, too, because I know that's a difficult subject. And no offense to anyone who struggles with it, in fact, if you do struggle with it feel free to email me if you need help. My email is on my about page, or it should be now because I need to put it up there right after I finish this entry.

    once again repeating that the rest of this entry is NSFW, please only continue if you are 18+.

    God, I really just rambled tonight. That felt good, though. I'm drinking another glass of wine and telling this girl I'm talking to that I'm not really drunk. I'm a liar. And I'm horny. And the other person I was pretty interested in who I met off this app didn't text me back I can't find my glass of wine in the dark. I want to fuck, last time I had sex was what, in December?? And this site is (mostly) anonymous, so I can say whatever I want. I miss giving & getting head. I miss makeout sessions, I miss hair pulling, and choking, and hickies... FUCK.... FUCK!! I want to be with someone who thinks I'm cute when I'm needy, when I'm all over them, when I'm straddling them & kissing them & grinding on them... lol this is embarrassing, and I have not been in a relationship in a while, but I've been told by multiple people I give good head. Maybe they're lying. Who cares. The trick is to give extremely sloppy toppy, if you're wondering. Anyways, I'm gonna finish this glass of wine & eat some salt & vinegar chips that taste too much like vinegar & hope I don't vomit. But, uuugh, I can feel my stomach churning already... GOOD. NIGHT. ciao!

    Monday 2/15/2021

    1:24 PM
    currently stuck in my head: Movin' Out by Billy Joel

    It is Robi's birthday and I took off work today. Not for his birthday, mind you, but a happy coincidence. There was a huge snow/ice storm yesterday & I actually did go to work then. After telling us we wouldn't get penalized for leaving early after lunch, literally everyone left except for the people who were required to stay, like the supervisors, which fucking sucks and they should have been allowed to leave as well. It was fucking dangerous driving home, let me tell you. I was on the freeway and a car completely spun out in front of me, across the entire freeway, and she was really lucky that I was the only one near her at the time. I slammed on my breaks but it was fucking snowy so I started hydroplaning while she was stopped dead in front of me, but I stopped literally inches away from her. I thought I hit her at first because we were so close, but thank GOD I didn't (my insurance is already really bad because I got into an accident in 2019 & that's all I could think about while I was skidding to a halt lmao), I was only going like 45. We both just sat there for a minute, I think she was really startled (I would be), so I pulled up next to her on the shoulder & we both rolled down our windows & I asked if she was okay (she was). She drove off & I put my warning lights on and crawled at like 30-40 mph to the closest exit & got the fuck off the freeway. Some guy in a red truck almost hit me too because he was going full speed to make a right turn when he did not have enough room next to me to make a right turn (I was in the right fucking lane???? I laid on my horn because what the fuck are you doing dude???) so I had to pull to the left... it was just fucking crazy. I'm saying FUCK A lot because it FUCKing sucked.

    AND I can't believe at work they didn't even want us to leave. I texted them once I got home & told them to stay off the freeways 'cause of what happened. Then this morning I texted in & just said I wasn't coming. Neither was my coworker who I talked to last night. I'll go in tomorrow because the roads should be like, plowed & salted & whatnot by then, but this morning I felt the ground on my balcony and the powdery ice (it wasn't snow, more like... tiny hail) that had fallen last night had frozen over into a solid layer, and I was just like, you know I'm not driving an hour plus in that again today. I really don't want to use my sick / vacation time so early in the year, but I'm planning to quit this job soon so I'm trying not to stress about it. I don't want to leave my job only because I like my coworkers, but it's a hard job, especially lately because we've been having so many asshole higher-ups coming in and out & telling us how to do the actual physical labor we're doing for them every day, when really we know firsthand what processes work the best. It's just... exhausting. Did you know the CEO has been coming in with a camera crew to give virtual tours for potential investors and he has not introduced himself to us once? Hasn't even said hello and he's been doing this for two weeks now. I had to find out what his name was by Googling him the other night, lmfao. Like, and the thing is after he does the tours he doesn't even come back in or anything, he just leaves I'm assuming, 'cause him & the camera crew dissapear after like, lunch, hahaha. Anyways, I hate his guts.

    I don't mean for this post to be so negative, I'm actually having a good day so far!! Just yesterday and the day before were really bad. Q. is coming over to hang with Robi & I, but we're gonna wear masks obviously & I think she's only gonna come for an hour. I haven't seen her since she moved back to [CITY I LIVE IN]. But also that's only if Robi & I get some work done today, which means I have to start applying to some jobs now. If I finish that within an hour, maybe I can read some too. I took a nap & the sun is out now. I think it's melting the ice. ciao

    Monday 2/15/2021

    1:24 PM
    currently listening to Kikuo Miku 5

    God, I feel fantastic. One of my larger bins is piled high with fabric to get rid of right now. I have had 6 bins dedicated to storing fabric in my apartment for.... 6+ months now and I went through them with the organizer this morning. I am really happy about this! I think what I really took away from today is that I don't have to get rid of anything that I still enjoy, like I don't have to punish myself for not using it by throwing it out. And I don't have to punish myself by keeping things I don't like simply because I haven't used them or haven't come up with an idea yet. I've been working on my Miku page all morning too, immediately before and after my organizing session, and having GREAT difficulty, too. I can't figure out how to make my dream figures box stay in the upper left corner. I'm asking for help on Discord but it's frustrating me still! HTML escapes me still, also haha they made fun of me for having all my code on the same level, but I'm teaching myself and it makes sense to me (except for when it doesn't haha). I go and look at people's code on here all the time for reference and most everyone I follow here kind of does the same thing, doesn't indent a lot in their code so I actually didn't even realize that wasn't normal until they pointed it out to me. Whoops.

    Okay I got bored and decided to learn Down In The Valley on the guitar so I'm actually gonna end this journal entry here. (BTW found that song via the show The Sinner on Netflix, Season 2. The season isn't that good but seasons 1 & 3 were pretty good! Robi & I watched the whole thing)

    Saturday 2/13/2021

    5:39 AM

    hey long time no write! Yes, the time is documented correctly, I'm taking a minute to write an entry before work even though it might actually make me late (probably not but still). Did you know I get up at 5 AM to go to work? The reason I haven't been on here in a while is because I've been having kind of a bad time (at work mostly), and a really busy schedule lately. I don't remember what I've talked about yet in these entries but I'm working with a professional organizer & it's been going alright! I have some doubts that my mom planted in me, because that happens whenever I bring up decisions I've made for myself, and she says I paid too much but she's also not paying a single dime for these sessions so I'm taking her advice with a grain of salt (as always honestly). Not to be all like ~oh my goood mom you don't understand me and I hate you~ but it's really hard when I feel like she only likes the version of me she can imagine, or that she had a preconceived notion of (if that makes sense), and any time I deviate from that, mind you, very limited and honestly innacurate view of me, it's like I'm killing that little girl she still sees in me, lol. Good riddance, though, 'cause that bitch is almost completely dead (the little girl me, NOT my mom, jesus christ. read that back & it sounded horrible).

    Anyways, Robi's birthday is soon!! Also Judge's birthday was a few days ago but I missed it! I texted him a belated HBD & I'm gonna call with him soon. I really want to call K. but he didn't respond to my last texts and I'm worried he's upset that I never respond, which is my constant fear which is definitely why I should reach out in the first place. I think he's back in [CITY I LIVE IN LOL]. He must be for school. I think. Fuck, I totally can't remember my friends' years and whether or not they're graduating (except for the people I went into school with as freshmen). But, that's not exclusive to him so I can't feel too bad. I can't even remember what years like, Robi and J. are in and I talk to them every week. I started picking up J. from work every weekend 'cause it's f*cking cold out there! And also I miss her & we don't really get to see each other otherwise because of work & school & ya know, this fucker COVID. Okay, it's time for me to inhale my breakfast & frantically get dressed & brush my teeth. Oh, speaking of teeth, I need to go to the dentist soon. I have a cavity u can totally see & it's kinda big. I think my wisdom teeth might be coming in soon, too. FUCK! CIAO!

    Tuesday 2/2/2021

    7:02 PM

    I'm taking a quick break from doing the dishes to write a nice journal entry. (Relaxing time!) Yesterday I had a really good day. Actually, this start of the week has been a nice pick-me-up On Sunday there was a ton of snow and it's actually stuck to the ground! A. said she's never seen it snow like this here & it reminded her of upstate NY Robi and I went grocery shopping and honestly the snow didn't stop all day. The roads were kind of dangerous so we drove really slow. We got two types of cheese we had never heard of before, Gjetost and Taleggio. The Taleggio smelled like dirty socks and the rind waas pink and sticky! We literally thought it was rotten so we scooped the soft cheese out of the rind and jarred it. BUT I just saw in this video that that's how it's supposed to be, nooo!! And it was 8 bucks too bad.
    Anyways, then yesterday I had my first session with the professional organizer I decided to work with! I scouted people who specifically worked with people who have ADHD, and so far, even based on the very first day, I think it will go well. We got my whole desk clean, which was the area I wanted to tackle first. I'm actually writing at my desk right now, instead of on my bed which is where I would usually be haha, I love it!
    OMG, how could I forget this, I started researching going back to school!! My grandma is really happy about it, and that made me really happy because she's like, the only adult in my extended family whose opinion I care about. My mom won't be happy unless I go back to that school, but it's just not happening at this point. I don't want to say what I'm looking at yet... mostly because I don't wanna jinx it. But I've told a few of my friends, including S. who I called and talked to today I hope I didn't insult them when I asked about how they got ratioed on Twitter. IDK LOL. Anyways, I also called Judge on Discord which was really nice! We talked about whatever it was cool. I just got off a large Discord call with some people from the ASL server I'm a part of and I had my first conversation in ASL! That was super exciting and also nerve-wracking, but the person was really understanding when I didn't know some words they were signing. We talked about online classes and community college and moving, haha.
    I'm getting distracted and it's late now so I have to wrap this up, but also we made kimbap tonight for dinner & it was rlly good! I have to call S. tomorrow night, and I have to call back my mom too. Okay ok ciao!

    Friday 1/29/2021

    10:10 PM

    I am absolutely exhausted tonight, and I wish I had more to say than just that. The shuttles and the operating system (OS) were down today at work, so there wasn't shit to do for.... soooo.... long.... eventually we all had to go into the pack room (basically a giant refrigerator for packing the food we make) which makes this only the second time I've spent a significant amount of time in there. I don't want to be super negative about the day but L. didn't let us leave early and I was kind of pissed about it because, again, nothing was working anyways, and then when I went into the changing room some people were making fun of this woman on the night shift after us and being super awful. I didn't say anything & I felt bad about it afterwards. Anyways, now I'm in my Care Bear pajamas & thinking about being in love.................. no but seriouslllyyy this astrologer I follow on Twitter said air signs (me, Libra!) are going to meet someone that's just their type soon and by God I hope so.. okay bella ciao

    Wednesday 1/27/2021

    6:15 PM

    Today went okay. I woke up at noon (well, after waking up at 7 AM to almost go to Rite Aid, then realizing we actually did have printer paper for Robi's class then going back to sleep) and I did another load of dishes. I wore my nice striped red dress to run errands, since I can't wear nice stuff on my work days it's nice to dress up whenever I go out. I went to the post office, I got called ma'am, the usual. Today was the first session I had with my therapist's new group. It went good, I think. We talked about that analogy I hate, "hooking/unhooking," but then he presenteda different analogy, "fusing/defusing," that I resonated with better, even if they essentially mean the same thing. Now I have to log ideas I get "fused" to for the next week. I feel like doing this is just making me sort of obsess over every little thing though so I can write it down. Counterintuitive, right? (if i'm using counterintuitive correctly here...) ok short entry cos i'm tired ciaoooo

    Wednesday 1/27/2021

    some time around 2 AM
    currently listening to Zanzibar by Billy Joel

    I like lighting the peppermint candle in the kitchen because it smells like someone's baking cookies, and usually I hate baked goods candles so I really like this one. Right now I have my Warm Wool wooden wick one going and I really like the white noise it makes. Plus it smells like warm laundry (hence the name) so it's good for my room. I dunno, different candles have different rooms to me. Like Christmas Wishes (these are all Yankee Candles btw) is a dining room candle, it just is. I drew some T4T boyfriends today and I'm starting to draw little character sheets for them too

    Anyways, I did mostly nothing all day again but I will recount the positives. I did a load of dishes, Robi put our towels in the laundry, we watched this terrible, basically softcore porn movie about a haunted frat and it was fucking hilarious. I fell asleep writing this 'cos I stayed up so late drawing... ciao!

    Tuesday 1/19/2021

    3:51 PM

    currently eating: spicy mayo ramen
    It's been 10 whole days since I last journaled on here!!! The good news is that I've been busy because I've been hanging out with Robi a lot We're gettin' crossed & watching movies like every night which is fun haha. Then of course work & trying to clean up my apartment is also keeping me busy (work going well, cleaning..... not so well).
    I'm eating ~glutinous~ ramen right now (spicy too, oh no... my doctor would kill me) because I MISSED that shit! Gluten-free ramen isn't good, it's all chewy and tastes gross no matter how you try to flavor it (at least the brown rice stuff I got at COSTCO does). But I can feel my stomach is not going to be happy with me after this already! Anyways, if I haven't journaled in 10 days, this also means it's been at least 10 days since I've done the Make Don't Break challenge, which is a little disappointing for me! I was thinking maybe I could do a little run down of the last 10 days and answer the questions anyways. (I'll link it back here when I do). I think I'm going to start a Focusmate session to keep me on track with writing and coding a new about page today. AND drawing pixel sprites for Judge's and my game. That's actually probably my number one priority for today so maybe I should stop writing for a bit and get on that (of course... after I start my about page, lol). ciao baby

    Saturday 1/9/2021

    8:20 PM

    Hmmm... got off work early today which was so nice!! By a couple hours too, usually this is about the time I'm getting home / I've just gotten home so I feel good right now, relaxing, listening to ONRAC and thinking about the records collection page I want to do on here. It has some pretty complicated coding stuff (at least for me) in it so right now it's just a nice thought but.
    Mm, this entry ended up being really short because I got distracted & spent the night watching YouTube... also Robi comes home tomorrow! ciao

    Tuesday 1/5/2021

    10:19 PM

    Gotta go to bed ASAP, I work tomorrow & lied last night about going to bed early. I ended up staying up until 5:22 AM (I remembered exactly the time I decided to call it a night) and put on MAGDALENE by FKA twigs to fall asleep. Today for Make Don't Break, I decided to do something quick and fun because I actually got around to doing dishes, cleaning my bathroom sink and doing a load of laundry (even though I also took a nap). Robi comes home in only a couple of days and I don't feel like the apartment is better than when he left honestly, which makes me feel bad, but I feel slightly better knowing that I'm actively seeking help for that. Anyways, what I did was like, an old handwriting tag because I was thinking about how I really like my handwriting and how I feel like I've slowly curated it into its own "style." I know that everyone has a different handwriting style obviously but ever since 6th grade I've been purposefully testing & trying out different types of handwriting, kind of like developing an art style. Anyways, it makes me happy

    (I think I might make a page on this site dedicated to The Orange because it's my favorite poem and very beautiful and makes me cry) The prompt for today is: "Where do you live under the influence?"

    I feel like this is a wonderful question. I think I live under the influence of other people a lot. I care a lot about everyone's opinions of me, even complete strangers. I feel like with my family it's the worst. I'm very sick of living my life to their standards, and I feel like I am finally breaking out of that. I am not the person that everyone thinks I am or wants me to be and I'm not going to allow myself to let people love their own idea of me, or what I "should have" become. That's so fucking unfair to myself. I'm not even close to a lot of my family, like they literally don't know a thing about me really, so why the fuck should I care about what they think about how I'm living my fucking life? It's not like I'm asking them for money or anything, I'm not even bothering them.
    I also think I live under the influence of sadness and shame/guilt. It makes me isolate myself because I feel unlovable and like I've done too many "bad" things (just things that I ruminate over in general) to make me worthy of having friends & being in community with others. I feel mean. I feel like I'm not a very good friend, and it's hard to tell yourself you're not, and also hard to ask people to reassure you that you're not because then you feel manipulative and like you're bad again. Woof, that's a little heavy but it's true. There are 4 more questions to this prompt that you can answer at the end of the day to help combat making decidions and choices when you're "under the influence.":

    • Where did I respond or act while under the influence of something outside of myself?

    • Am I often under the influence of this thing?

    • How can I attempt to respond, or avoid responding, while under the influence in the future?

    • What does it feel like to be under the influence of this specifically?

    But! Since I didn't do a lot today, I don't really feel like I was under the influence of... anything. Except for maybe the guilt of taking a nap instead of getting stuff done. I think I reacted well, though. Instead of laying around feeling sorry for myself I actually did get up and take initiative. I'm proud of myself for that.
    Wow also I just watched the cellophane music video & that robot scared me but also it was cool. see u ciao

    Monday 1/4/2021

    10:43 PM

    currently listening to: Skeleton Tree by Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds
    Tired... gonna go to bed much earlier than I did last night! Didn't complete chores again today. Kind of frustrated with myself. I had 3 appointments today and it was kind of like by the time I started up with doing dishes, laundry, etc., it was time for the next one. Skipping today's prompt because it's about self-care, but not in the "treat yourself" way, in the hard, true self reflection way. And I know half of my answer to the question:

    "How will you honor your self-care and 'make' it a priority?"

    As in, I know what that self-care to look like but I don't know how I'm going to make it a priority. I think it starts with being vulnerable. Being honest. Being more open. But I feel like I get in the way of myself. So maybe how I should start making it a priority is fixing that first. I think I still need to look for a new therapist. I've been with J. for almost a year now so I feel guilty for "firing" him, but I've felt this way for a while. Hmm... so maybe it starts there. Being honest. In Jenille Ramos' Instagram post (the person who created the prompt for today) she said that your answer will probably be what seems the hardest.

    Sunday 1/3/2021

    1:52 AM

    Potentially long post ahead...I'm up late just like I was last night except I didn't do anything creative yesterday. Except, since there are no rules to Make Don't Break, I don't feel bad about it. I did the prompt, meditation, and read the article they sent us, and then watched some videos on transformative justice. Here's the channel I was watching those on. Oh wait, speaking of the prompt, it was:

    "Instead of a to-do list, or even a to-make list, what is your to-feel list for today?"

    And I was thinking about this while I was at work 'cause I saw the email in the morning. My immediate answer was "relief." I want(ed) to feel relief. The 2nd day of January was not better than the 1st, so I think after I found that my immediate response was a pretty good / important one, I actively sought out relief. I cried on the phone again with someone qualified because I didn't feel comfortable just heavily venting out of the blue to any of my friends or my sister again. I drove a lot again (but just my regular commute this time-- that in and of itself is a lot of driving for me). I wish I had more cheerful things to say so I apologize to anyone reading, this is just me kind of keeping track of my mood right now. I'm just in a rough spot.
    Anyways, the prompt for today (or, I guess, yesterday now) is actually 3 questions.

    1. Reflect on your relationship with the various habits in your life. Are you someone who needs the structure they provide, or do you find them constraining?

    I think... both / it depends on what habit. I think that habits such as going to work (if you consider that a habit, which I do when considering the motions of getting up, getting ready, making myself food, etc) are necessary for keeping structure in my life. But when it comes to habits that I don't deem necessary, such as.... for example, journaling! haha, I eventually start to view them more as chores and I don't want to keep the habit. I think this is also because I'll create too many rules or expectations for myself surrounding new habits, and maybe that is actually the reason I eventually see "unneccessary" habits as constraining.

    2. What are some of your habits? What impact do they have on your day-to-day life? Why do you have them?

    One of my habits is making tea (nearly) every morning. 3. If you could instantly have any daily habit, what would it be?

    Friday 1/1/2021

    10:47 PM

    There's so much reflection I could do right now but I only have about 10 minutes until I really have to go to bed. The first of the year did not go so well for me, but that's okay. There is a hopefulness to the new year but also fear of the unknown. I entered the year with loved ones and joy, but the day just brought a lot of little things that made today very overwhelming. I cried on the phone with my sister, I drove a lot, I drove a lot, and I'm okay. The hopefulness is still there. It's not really about whether 2021 itself will be good, it's more about promising to make it better. And I'm still trying!!! There are two parts of my brain, I feel like one is really hurting still and the other is carefully holding the hurting part. I'm trying really hard to love myself and I know I'm trying hard and that's good. And I'm hoping, hoping, hoping that I can heal that hurt and re-discover the lighter person inside of me that I know is there. Sorry to wax poetic, ew, but that's what's going on if you're trying to find out. It's not all bad though!!!! I am participating in the Make Don't Break Challenge, and this website is actually the ~medium~ I'm starting with. So, I made my New Year's Resolutions page!! Since there aren't any rules to the challenge, I didn't do a lot, but I got it down which felt awesome. That's the question for today:

    What delights you?

    And I think what delights me is completing projects. That sounds like a no-brainer, but when I was thinking about it, I was like, what is the most satisfying part of creating for me? And yes, I love the process, but I am always SO fucking proud when I have a completed project in front of me. To show it off? I was thinking maybe that's why, but I don't think so. I think it's just.... like, I fucking did that. Just for me type thing. Just proud to have done it. And showing it off is an added bonus too, haha.
    Well, next I think I'm going to work on this page a little bit. I want to make an index to separate things by month and I also want to change this layout since I ripped it off someone else and I don't really like it so much anymore. I'll keep an archive though (probably...). Thanks for listening, thanks for reading, ciao <3
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